The Mikado: Avatar Style
by Redbayly
Summary: As a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan, I felt I had to do this. The main cast of Avatar decide to perform in a new play, directed by the esteemed cabbage merchant. The play is set in the island town of Kirachu in the Fire Nation, following the misadventures of an Air Nomad who is appointed Lord High Executioner.
1. Opening Night

**Konnichiwa, honorable readers,**

**Welcome to the first ever production of The Mikado done by the Avatar Gaang. As a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan, I was vexed by the lack of references to my favorite play in modern media and so decided to combine it with my favorite show. For those of you here who do not know about Gilbert and Sullivan, I suggest you get on Youtube forthwith (for The Mikado, I recommend the Eric Idle version; it might not look Japanese as it is supposed to, and the makeup the actors wear is a little silly when viewed on film, but it's still a tremendous performance).**

**Anyway, let me just clarify how this will be done.**

Audience dialogue will look like this.

(Descriptions of action in the play or of background scenery will be in parentheses.).

**Redbayly:** Cast dialogue will be preceded by their emboldened name.

_And musical lyrics will be in italics._

**The cast and crew will be folks from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and the audience will be everyone else (including Azula and Ursa). Just so you all know, there will be non-canon pairings in this (namely Zutara and slight Tokka), so if don't like it than go read something else.**

**Oh, and I decided to set the play on the Fire Nation island of Kirachu. It is an acknowledged place in the Fire Nation and I wanted to set the play in the Avatar world as opposed to just using the original name of Titipu from the play.**

**I don't own any of Bryke's characters, nor do I own anything by Gilbert and Sullivan. Though all of Gilbert and Sullivan's works are now Public Domain so I am not violating any laws or rules of fanfiction.**

**Just to make that perfectly clear, GILBERT AND SULLIVAN ARE PUBLIC DOMAIN. Thank you.**

**And now for the cast.**

**Cast:**

The Mikado: Ozai

Koko: Aang

Pooh-Bah: Sokka

Nanki-Poo: Zuko

Pish-Tush: Haru

Yum-Yum: Katara

Pitti-Sing: Toph

Peep-Bo: Ty-Lee

Katisha: Mai

Chorus of noblemen and ladies

Opening Night

"But I hate the theater," Azula complained as she and her mother sat down in the royal box. "I consider actors to be on the same level as clowns. Obnoxious and deserving of death."

"Now, now, Azula, your brother and father are both in this and I'm sure they worked very hard," Ursa admonished her. "Besides, I remember you used to love going to see Love Amongst the Dragons as a little girl."

"Tell anyone about that and I will incinerate you, mother dearest. I suppose it could be worse. I could've been wrangled into actually being _in_ the show."

"That's right, sweetheart, so count your blessings. I wish there had been a part that I could have auditioned for, though. You know, in my youth, I was quite the actress."

"I'm sure you were, Mother. As you have told me about five hundred times. What's this play about again?"

"Oh, I'll check." Ursa picked up the playbill and began to read:

"The Fire Lord, or the Town of Kirachu,

A small island in the Fire Nation, known as Kirachu, has become known for its blending of different cultures over the years. However, like all other places in the Fire Nation, Kirachu is still subject to the rule of the Fire Lord. Now, if the Fire Lord had one fault (and, mind you, I won't say he had) it was punishing every crime, no matter how insignificant, with death. The most recent law was a prohibition on flirting between non-married persons as a way of keeping the youth under control.

In this town there were a number of nobles, including emissaries from the other nations. Now, it happened that in this town there was a young Airbender tailor who had been given guardianship over three orphaned girls, Toph, Ty-Lee, and Katara. Katara's brother had been living in the city as an ambassador and had not seen her in many years; however, he had recently returned to Kirachu in time to learn that his sister had been arranged to marry her guardian, despite her being in love with someone else.

Also in this town lived Zuko, a young musician of moderate talent. Having fallen in love with Katara, he left the town upon discovery of her betrothal. He has since returned, intent upon finding her and professing his love upon hearing that her guardian, Aang, had been condemned to death for flirting."

"Well, decreeing that flirting is punishable by beheading certainly sounds like something Dad would do," Azula responded.

"Not if your father was seventeen again, he wouldn't. He would have to have _himself_ beheaded for all the things he said to me when we first met."

"Mother, seriously, too much information."

* * *

Meanwhile, backstage, things were starting to get a little hectic.

"Okay, everyone, are we ready to start?" the stage manager called out.

"Why is the cabbage merchant running this show?" Toph asked Sokka as she fidgeted with her costume. She really hated dresses.

"Because he's the producer's cousin," the Water Tribe boy replied.

"I knew Bry-Ike was a sellout. I went to him and asked if _I_ could be the manager and now I'm stuck in this stupid dress. And I'm going to have to _sing_. Two of my least favorite things in the world."

"Hey, where are Katara and Zuko?!" the cabbage merchant shouted. "Zuko is going to be on stage in about ten minutes!"

Toph smirked to herself as she detected where the two lovebirds were. Her Earthbending senses indicated that Zuko was "helping" Katara with her dress. Figuring that the longer they all had to wait the longer she would be in her dress, Toph Earthbent the door to the dressing room down.

"Zuko, get your hands off my sister!" Sokka shouted.

"Yeah, Sparky, save it for the paying customers," Toph added.

Zuko straightened up the front of his robes. He was dressed in traditional peasant attire, much to his annoyance, that suited his role as an itinerant minstrel in the play. Katara, like the other girls, was wearing a silk kimono in her native colors and had her hair done up in a formal knot, though she still insisted on keeping her hair-loopies.

"All right, people, gather round," the merchant said to the cast. "You're going out there a bunch of talentless, cabbage-destroying nobodies, but you're coming out a group of brilliant, shining, theatrical stars! Now get out there and earn it!"

"Well, he's certainly got charisma," Sokka whispered to Toph.

* * *

The cabbage merchant entered the stage, parting the curtains with a swish, and bowed to the audience.

"Welcome to tonight's performance of The Fire Lord, also known as The Town of Kirachu," he said. "I am the director and your orchestra conductor for this evening. We have all been working very hard on this production and we hope you enjoy it. Oh, and this play is brought to you by Cabbage Corp. Eat more cabbages!"

Everyone applauded as the cabbage merchant made his way down into the orchestra pit. He picked up the conductor's baton and began the overture.


	2. Act I, Scene I

Act I, Scene I

(The curtains opened as the overture concluded, revealing a scene set up like the garden of a noble's house, complete with a real cherry tree and several decorative rocks. A group of men in formal Fire Nation clothes processed around in an organized fashion, carefully avoiding collision with the stage props. Suddenly, the men stopped, all facing the audience.).

**Chorus (Men):**

_If you want to know who we are,_

_We are nobles of the Fire Nation._

_On many a vase and jar,_

_On many a screen and fan._

_We figure in lively paint,_

_Our attitude's queer and quaint,_

_You're wrong if you think it ain't. Ohhh!_

_If you think we're worked by strings,_

_Like a Fire Nation marionette,_

_You don't understand these things,_

_It is simply court etiquette._

_Perhaps you suppose this throng_

_Can't keep it up all day long,_

_If that's your idea you're wrong. Ohhh!_

_If you want to know who we are,_

_We are nobles of the Fire Nation!_

_On vase and jar, on screen and fan,_

_On many, many, many, many, many a jar._

_Ohhh! Ohhh!_

_On vase and jar, on screen and fan!_

(As the noblemen went about greeting each other, Haru entered the scene, standing out in his Earth Kingdom attire, and joined in the fake chatter with the nobles

Suddenly, the tune of the music changed and Zuko entered looking humble (well, as humble as a Firebending prince can look when dressed as a peasant) with a Tsungi horn case at his side and a frantic expression on his face. The nobles all turned to look at him.).

**Zuko:** _Gentlemen, I pray you, tell me where a gentle maiden dwelleth named Katara, the ward of Aang. In pity speak, oh speak, I pray you._

**Haru:** _Why? Who are you who asks this question?_

**Zuko: **_Come, gather round me, and I'll tell you._

(Zuko pulled opened the case, pulled out the Tsungi horn, and played an opening note while the orchestra chimed in. As the orchestra continued on its own, Zuko began his solo.).

_A wand'ring minstrel, I,_

_A thing of shreds and patches,_

_Of ballads, songs, and snatches,_

_And dreamy lullaby._

_My catalogue is long, _

_Through every passion ranging,_

_And to your humors changing,_

_I tune my supple song, I tune my supple song._

_Are you in sentimental mood?_

_I'll sigh with you._

_Ohhh, sorrow._

_On maiden's coldness do you brood?_

_I'll do so, too._

_Ohh, sorrow, sorrow._

_I'll fill your willing ears with songs of lovers' fears._

_While sympathetic tears my cheeks bedew._

_Ohh, sorrow, sorrow._

(Suddenly, the music piped up and began to sound more like a military march.).

_But, if patriotic sentiment is wanted,_

_I've patriotic ballads, cut and dried._

_For, where'ere our country's banner may be planted,_

_All other local banners are defied!_

_Our warriors in serried ranks assembled,_

_Never quail, or they conceal if they do,_

_And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled_

_Before the might troops, the troops Kirachu!_

**Chorus (Men): **

_We shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled,_

_Trembled with alarm,_

_Before the might troops, the troops of Kirachu!_

**Zuko:**

_And if you call for a song of the sea,_

_We'll heave the capstan round!_

_With a yo-heave-ho, for the wind is free,_

_Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee,_

_Hurrah for the homeward bound._

**Chorus (Men): **_Yo-ho, heave-ho! Hurrah for the homeward bound!_

**Zuko:**

_To lay aloft in a howling breeze_

_May tickle a landsman's taste,_

_But the happiest hour a sailor sees_

_Is when he's down at an inland town_

_With his Nancy on his knees, yo-ho!_

_And his arm around her waist._

**Chorus (Men):**

_Then man the capstan, off we go,_

_As a fiddler swings us round,_

_With a yo-heave-ho and a rum-below,_

_Hurrah for the homeward bound!_

_With a yo-heave-ho!_

_And a rum-below!_

_Yo-ho! Ho! Ho-heave-ho! Yo-ho!_

(The music then tapered back into the soft tune from the beginning as Zuko made his way to center stage.).

**Zuko:**

_A wand'ring minstrel, I,_

_A thing of shreds and patches,_

_Of ballads, songs, and snatches,_

_And dreamy lullaby._

_And dreamy lulla-lullaby,_

_Lullaby…_

(As the song concluded the audience burst into applause. No one had ever expected Zuko to be such a good singer, let alone get through something like that without incinerating someone (of course, his mother later explained that it was something he got from her as she had been fond of acting in her youth). Zuko removed the Tsungi horn from his shoulders and put it back in its case as Haru approached him.).

**Haru: **And what may be your business with Katara?

**Zuko: **I'll tell you. A year ago, I was a member of the Kirachu town band. It was…uh, _my_ job to take the cap round for contributions. While I was going about my duties, I saw Katara. We loved each other at once, but she was engaged to her guardian, Aang, a cheap Airbending tailor. And I saw that my suit was hopeless. (A few people in the audience chuckled at the pun.). Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Imagine my delight when, a month ago, I learned that Aang had been condemned to death for flirting. I hurried back at once in the hope of finding Katara free to marry as she wished.

**Haru:** Uh, well, the thing is, while it's true that Aang was condemned to death for flirting, he was reprieved at the last moment and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner, under the following remarkable circumstances which I will divulge to you in the form of a song.

(The music started up again and Haru took center as he began to sing.).

_The great Fire Lord, virtuous man,_

_When he to rule this land began,_

_Resolved to try a plan whereby_

_Young men might best be steadied._

_So he decreed, in words succinct,_

_That those who flirted, leered, or winked,_

_Unless connubially linked,_

_Should forthwith be beheaded, beheaded, behe-eh-eh-ded,_

_Should forthwith be beheaded._

_And I expect you'll all agree that he was right to so decree._

_And I am right, and you are right, and all is right as right can be!_

**Chorus (Men): **

_And you are right, and we are right, and all is right as right can be._

_And all is right as right can be!_

_Right as right can be!_

**Haru:**

_This stern decree, you'll understand,_

_Caused great dismay throughout the land,_

_For young and old, and shy and bold,_

_Were equally affected._

_A youth who winked a roving eye _

_Or breathed a non-connubial sigh_

_Was thereupon condemned to die._

_He usually objected, objected, obje-eh-eh-ected,_

_He usually objected._

_And you'll allow, as I expect,_

_That he was right to so object._

_And I am right, and you are right, and everything is quite correct!_

**Chorus (Men):**

_And you are right, and we are right, and everything is quite-is quite correct!_

_Everything is quite correct!_

_All is quite correct!_

**Haru:**

_And so we straight let out on bail_

_A convict from the county jail,_

_Whose head was next, on some pretext_

_Condem'ned to be mown off,_

_And made him headsman, for we said_

_Who's next to be decapit'ed _

_Cannot cut off another's head_

_Until he's cut his own off, his own off, his o-oh-oh-own off,_

_Until he's cut his own off._

_And we are right, I think you'll say,_

_To argue in this kind of way._

_And I am right, and you are right, and all is right, ta-loo-ralay!_

**Chorus (Men):**

_And you are right, and we are right, and all is right ta-loo-ra-loo-ra-lay,_

_And you are right, and we are right,_

_And all is right!_

(As the music concluded, Zuko slumped down onto one of the nearby rocks, looking morose. Unbeknownst to him or the others, Sokka had entered the scene, having clearly heard the recent discourse.).

**Zuko:** Aang, the cheap tailor, an Air Nomad, Lord High Executioner of Kirachu? I never thought he had it in him. Why, that's the highest rank a _citizen_ can attain.

**Sokka:** It is. (Everyone turned to him.). The oh-so-logical Fire Lord, seeing no moral difference between the honorable judge who condemns a criminal to die and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one. And every judge is now his own executioner. Brilliant concept, isn't it?

**Zuko: **Oh, but how good of you, for I can see that you are a Water Tribe noble of the highest rank, who would condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel.

**Sokka:** (Looked Zuko up and down before shrugging.). Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person of pre-Bending ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my heritage back to a protoplasmal, primordial, atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. (Sokka looked around Zuko at the laughing audience.). Well, _I_ can't help it, I was _born_ sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this, my one defect. I mortify my pride continually. Why, when all the chief officers of state resigned in a body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not, unhesitatingly, accept all their posts at once?

**Haru: **(Speaking in a sing-song voice.). And the salaries attached to them, you did.

(In response to the comment, Sokka chucked his fan at the Earthbender.).

**Sokka: **It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart, my soon-to-be brother-in-law, as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Imperial Eel-Hounds, Groom of the Backstairs, Chief Fire Sage of Kirachu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect. All rolled into one. And I'm not even _from_ this country. And at a salary, humph! A Water Tribe warrior _paid_ for his services! I a salaried minion, but I do it. It revolts me, but I do it.

**Zuko:** Well, it certainly does you credit.

**Sokka:** But I don't just stop at that, no. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshments from any hand, however lowly. (He pulled Zuko to the side for a moment and began to whisper.). I also retail state secrets for a very low figure. For instance, any further information regarding my sister Katara would come under the head of a state secret.

(Sokka turned his back but held open his hand for Zuko to pass him a bribe. Zuko, finally catching on, rummaged through his bag and withdrew a few coins, placing them in Sokka's hand.).

**Sokka: **Another insult. And I think a _light_ one.

(Sokka pocketed the coins as the music started again and faced Zuko with a serious expression.).

_Young man, despair,_

_Likewise go to,_

_Katara the Waterbender_

_You must not woo._

_It will not do,_

_I'm sorry for you,_

_You very imperfect ablutioner._

_This very day from school, Katara_

_Will wend her way and homeward come,_

_With beat of drum and rum-tum-tum,_

_To wed the Lord High Executioner._

_And the brass will crash,_

_And the trumpets bray,_

_And they'll cut a dash on their wedding day!_

_She'll toddle away, as all aver,_

_With the Lord High Executioner!_

**Zuko and Haru:**

_And the brass will crash,_

_And the trumpets bray,_

_And they'll cut a dash on their wedding day!_

**All: **

_She'll toddle away, as all aver,_

_With the Lord High Executioner!_

(Zuko sat down again on a nearby rock and began to mope again. Sokka took a seat beside him and put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.).

**Sokka:**

_It's a hopeless case,_

_As you may see,_

_And, in your place,_

_Away I'd flee._

_Hey, don't blame me,_

_I'm sorry to see_

_That air-head marry my sister._

_They'll vow their pact extremely soon,_

_In point of fact, this afternoon._

_Her honeymoon, with that buffoon_

_At seven commences, so you shun her!_

_And the brass will crash,_

_And the trumpets bray,_

_And they'll cut a dash on their wedding day!_

_She'll toddle away, as all aver,_

_With the Lord High Executioner!_

**Zuko and Haru:**

_And the brass will crash,_

_And the trumpets bray,_

_And they'll cut a dash on their wedding day!_

**All: **

_She'll toddle away, as all aver,_

_With the Lord High Executioner!_

(The noblemen dispersed and Zuko was left alone on stage with Sokka.).

**Zuko: **_And have I journeyed for a month, or nearly, to learn Katara, whom I love so dearly, this day to Aang is to be united?_

**Sokka: **_The fact appears to be as you've recited._ (Both look up at the sound of a trumpet). _But, here he comes, equipped as suits his station. He'll give you any further information._

Exeunt

* * *

"Well, at least Zuzu is finally acting like the peasant I always knew he was inside," Azula commented.

"Azula, that's not a very nice thing to say," her mother replied.

"Who ever said I was nice?"

"True. You are the type of person who would plant poison-ivy in her garden."

"Are you joking? If anything, I'd plant it in someone _else's_ garden. Hmm, that gives me an idea for after the show."


	3. Act I, Scene II

Act I, Scene II

(Trumpets blared as the noblemen began to file back onto the stage, going through a formation where they moved in a series of orderly lines in front of the gate in the backdrop.).

**Chorus (Men): **

_Behold the Lord High Executioner!_

_A personage of noble rank and title!_

_A dignified and potent officer!_

_Whose functions are particularly vital!_

_Defer! Defer! To the Lord High Executioner!_

_Defer! Defer! To the noble Lord, to the noble Lord, the Lord High executioner!_

(The gate in the backdrop opened, revealing Aang in robes that were three sized too big for him and attempting to pull a sword after him as his entered the stage. He looked up nervously as he struggled with the weapon until a little girl half his size entered from backstage and carried the sword out for him without the faintest hint of difficulty. Aang muttered a "thanks" and dismissed her once he was in center stage.).

**Aang:** Ahem.

_Taken from a county jail,_

_By a set of curious chances,_

_Liberated then on bail,_

_On my on recognizances,_

_Wafted by a favoring gale,_

_As one sometimes is in trances,_

_To a height that few can scale,_

_Save by long and weary dances,_

_Surely never had a male,_

_Under such like circumstances,_

_So adventurous a tale,_

_Which may rank with most romances._

(Aang repeated his verse, with the noblemen repeating every other line.).

**Chorus (Men): **

_Defer! Defer! To the Lord High Executioner!_

_Defer! Defer! To the noble Lord, to the noble Lord, to the Lord High Executioner!_

_Bow down! Bow down! To the Lord High Executioner!_

_Defer! Defer! To the noble, noble Lord High Executioner!_

**Aang:** Gentlemen, I am touched by this generous reception. And I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure continuance of those favors which it shall ever be my study to deserve. If should ever be called upon to act…er, _professionally_, I am happy to think that there will be _no_ difficulty in finding plenty of people whose _loss_ would be a distinct _gain_ to society at large.

(A lilting note began to play as Aang handed off his sword and withdrew a scroll that unfurled to a considerable length.).

_As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,_

_I've got a little list, I've got a little list,_

_Of society offenders who might well be underground_

_And who never would be missed, who never would be missed._

_There are obnoxious fans that stalk you and demand your autographs,_

_Who jump, and squeal, and bother you with their irritating laughs._

_All shippers who write fanfics and shove 'em in your face,_

_Who get all sex scenes wrong and put grammar all over the place._

_And all canontards who on ruining creativity insist,_

_They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed._

**Chorus (Men):**

_He's got 'em on the list, he's got 'em on the list,_

_And they'll none of 'em be missed, they'll none of 'em be missed._

**Aang:**

_And then you have the people who try to wreck the show,_

_Like Studio Pierrot's cartoonist, I've got him on the list._

_Some of the following characters I'm certain you all know,_

_And agree they won't be missed, we all know they won't be missed._

_There's the double-crossing billionaire and others of his lot,_

_Equalist leaders who quit the show the minute they get caught,_

_And a new character who looks a lot like the bad guys from Book One,_

_Who won't tell you why he did all the bad things that he has done,_

_And who makes all the viewers get really, really pissed,_

_I don't think he'd be missed, I'm sure he'd not be missed._

**Chorus (Men):**

_You may put him on the list, you may put him on the list,_

_For he surely won't be missed, he surely won't be missed._

**Aang:**

_There're fanfic characters that should never and don't exist,_

_By now you've got the gist, I've got them on the list._

_And the inconsistent characters of the "self-inserted" kind,_

_Such as Misty, Jade, and Julie, get the picture? Never mind._

_There's so-and-so, what's-her-name? I'm sure you all know who._

_Fill in the blanks as you please, she's almost always Mary-Sue._

_But it really doesn't matter if she isn't on the list,_

_Because she never will be missed, she never will be missed._

**Chorus (Men):**

_You may put her on the list, by Agni, put her on the list,_

_Because she never will be missed, she never will be missed._

(Soon the music closed and the chorus exited the scene. Aang took a seat on one of the rocks.).

**Aang: **Sokka!

**Sokka:** (The Water Tribe boy entered the scene lazily.). What?

**Aang: **It seems the approaching festivities in connection with my marriage to your sister must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount that I ought to spend on them.

**Sokka: **Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary? Perhaps even as prospective brother-in-law?

**Aang:** Oh, uh, suppose we say as Private Secretary?

**Sokka:** Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself. Do it well.

**Aang:** Ah, as the _city_ will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well. That is your advice?

**Sokka: **As Private Secretary. Of course, you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.

**Aang:** But – but you said just now "don't stint yourself, do it well."

**Sokka:** As Private Secretary.

**Aang:** And now you say "due economy must be observed."

**Sokka: **As Chancellor of the Exchequer.

**Aang:** I see. Come over here where the Chancellor can't hear us. (Aang stood up and steered Sokka to the other end of the stage.). Now then, as my solicitor, how would you advise me to deal with this difficulty?

**Sokka:** Oh, speaking as your solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying "chance it."

**Aang:** Thank you, I will. (Aang started to walk off but Sokka stopped him.).

**Sokka:** If it were not that, as Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn't violated.

**Aang:** I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (Aang led Sokka to the other end of the stage.). Now, as First Lord of the Treasury…

**Sokka:** Oooh, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, were it not that, as leader of the opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth-and-nail. Or, as Paymaster General I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never, ever discover the fraud. But then, as Head Fire Sage of Kirachu, and Grand High Fire Shaman, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as First Commissioner of Police.

**Aang:** That's extremely awkward.

**Sokka: **It is. Of course, I'm not saying all these distinguished people couldn't be squared. But it is right to tell you that they would not be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation, unless, of course, they were insulted with a very considerable _bribe_. (Sokka held up his hand, indicating that Aang should give him money, only for the Airbender to shake it instead.).

**Aang:** The matter shall have my careful consideration. But, look, my bride and her friends are approaching, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Fire Nation attitude would be an esteemed favor.

**Sokka:** (Sokka gave Aang a deep glare.). No money, no grovel.

Exeunt

* * *

The audience applauded fiercely as the scene changed.

"Azula, what are you doing?"

"I'm copying down Aang's list of people to get rid of. Hey, the kid may be an idiot, but at least he has his priorities straight."

"Azula…put M. Night's name on there, too. Aang forgot to include him."


	4. Act I, Scene III

Act I, Scene III

(A group of young women, all dressed in beautiful kimonos of various colors made their way onto the stage, each finding a spot to pose in a refined and dainty manner.).

**Chorus (Women):**

_Comes a train of little ladies,_

_From scholastic trammels free,_

_Each a little bit afraid is,_

_Wond'ring what the world can be._

_Is it but a world of trouble,_

_Sadness set to song?_

_Is its beauty but a bubble,_

_Bound to break ere long?_

_Are its palaces and pleasures_

_Fantasies that fade?_

_And the glory of its treasures_

_Shadows of a shade?_

_And the glory of its treasures_

_Shadows of a shade?_

_Shadows of a shade._

_Schoolgirls we, _

_Eighteen and under,_

_From scholastic trammels free,_

_And we wonder, how we wonder,_

_We wonder, how we wonder,_

_What on earth the world can be,_

_What on earth the world can be._

(No sooner had the gentle song ended than a peppy beat began as Katara, Toph, and Ty-Lee entered, rushing to center stage.).

**Trio: **

_Three little maids from school are we,_

_Pert as a schoolgirl well can be,_

_Filled to the brim with girlish glee._

_Three little maids from school._

**Katara:**_ Everything is a source of fun._

**Ty-Lee:** _Nobody's safe, for we care for none._

**Toph: **_Life is a joke that's just begun._

**Trio: **_Three little maids from school._

_Three little maids who, all unwary,_

_Come from a ladies' seminary,_

_Free from its genius tutelary._

_Three little maids from school._

_Three little maids from school!_

**Katara: **_One little maid is bride, Katara._

**Ty-Lee:** _We each have come from near or far._

**Toph: **_Just have to accept us as we are._

**Trio:** _Three little maids from school._

**Katara: **_From three little maids, take one away…_

**Ty-Lee: **_Two little maids remain, and they…_

**Toph: **_Hope that's how they'll always stay._

**Trio:**_ Three little maids from school._

**Chorus (Women): **_Three little maids from school._

**All: **

_Three little maids who, all unwary,_

_Come from a ladies' seminary,_

_Free from its genius tutelary._

_Three little maids from school._

_Three little maids from school!_

(The girls all laughed and giggled as the song ended. Aang entered the scene excitedly with Haru following closely and Sokka trudging along behind him.).

**Aang: **Oh, at last. (Runs up to hug Katara.). My little bride that is to be.

**Katara: **(Katara dodges the hug and Aang's attempted kiss.). You're not going to kiss me in front of all these people, are you?

**Aang: **Well, that was the idea.

**Katara: **(She turned to Toph and Ty-Lee.). It seems odd, doesn't it?

**Ty-Lee:** It is rather peculiar.

**Toph:** I suspect it's alright. Must have a beginning, you know.

**Katara: **Well, I don't really know much about it, but I have no objection if it's usual.

**Aang:** Oh, it's quite usual. I think. (Aang turns to Sokka, who is standing nearby with a scowl on his face.). Eh, Lord Chamberlain?

**Sokka:** I have known it done.

(Katara awkwardly walked over to Aang and let him kiss her on the cheek. She then walked back over to her two friends.).

**Katara: **Thank goodness that's over with.

(Suddenly, all the other girls started cheering and giggling as Zuko entered the scene. When he caught sight of Katara, he smiled and waved. Katara ran over and pulled him into a hug. Aang looked on in confusion.).

**Aang:** I beg your pardon. (The cheering continued.). I beg your pardon. (It still continued.). SHUT UP! (Everyone quieted down and turned to look at him.). Would someone please explain what's going on? (All the girls started talking at once.). One at a time, if you please.

**Katara:** Aang, this is the young man who used to play so beautifully on..on the…

**Toph:** On the Fire Navy parade.

**Ty-Lee: **Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.

**Zuko:** Sir, I have the misfortune of being in love with your ward Katara. Now, I know I deserve your anger…

**Aang:** Anger? Not a bit, my good sir. Why, I love her myself. Charming girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking the little thing altogether. Very nice to hear my opinion backed up by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Take him away.

(Haru gently escorted Zuko away and gave him a sympathetic expression. Toph, meanwhile, was observing Sokka; though she couldn't see him with her eyes she detected a disgruntled person.).

**Toph: **I beg your pardon, but what is this? (She gestured towards Sokka with her thumb.). Customer come to try on?

**Aang:** That is a tremendous swell.

**Katara:** Also known as the annoying big brother.

(Toph jabbed Sokka with a finger and he shouted and made violent gestures, frightening the other girls but not Toph, who just stood there impassively.).

**Toph:** Wow, it's alive.

**Sokka: **Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like you. Go away, there's a dear.

**Aang:** Sokka, I know I don't need to introduce you to your sister, but these are my other two wards, Toph and Ty-Lee.

**Sokka:** And what do you expect me to do with them? I'm telling you right now, I will not kiss them even for cash.

**Aang: **No, no, you don't have to kiss them. I though, you know, a little bow or-

**Sokka:** WHAT?

**Aang: **A mere nothing, you needn't mean it.

**Sokka: **It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they are young _persons_.

**Aang:** Come, come, make an effort, there's a good Water Tribe nobleman.

**Sokka: **Fine, I'll do it, but I won't mean it. (Sokka grumbled, gave a bow to the two girls and an awkward hug to his sister.). How-de-do, little girls, how-de-do? (The girls all started chuckling. Toph walked back over to Sokka, gestured for him to lean in closer as if she wanted to tell him something, and then kissed him on the cheek.). Augh! Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!

**Aang: **Uh, that's very good, Sokka.

**Sokka:** Everyone, QUIET! I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful for me to have to say "how-de-do, little girls, how-de-do?" to young persons. I am not in the habit of saying "how-de-do, how-de-do?" to anyone under the rank of a cartoonist.

(The girls continued to giggle and Aang leaned in to whisper to them.).

**Aang: **Don't mind him, he can't help it. He's under treatment for it. (He then walked over to Sokka.). Never mind them; they don't understand the delicacy of your position.

**Sokka: **Which delicate position?

**Aang: **Oh, all of them.

**Sokka:** We both know how delicate those positions are, don't we?

**Aang: **I should think we did. Imagining how a nobleman of your standing can do it at all is a thing a never can understand. (Aang began to walk past the girls and quickly leaned in to whisper to them one last time before he left.). He's alright, just don't forget, he simply thrives on etiquette.

(The girls all laughed as the music started up again. Sokka glared at all of them.).

**Trio:**

_So please you, sir, we much regret_

_That we have failed in etiquette,_

_Towards a man of rank so high,_

_We shall know better, by and by._

**Katara: **_But youth, of course, must have its fling, so pardon us, so pardon us._

**Toph: **_And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, be hard on us, be hard on us, if we're inclined to dance and sing._

**All (Women):**

_Tra-lalalala, tra-lalalala,_

_But youth, of course, must have its fling, so pardon us,_

_And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, be hard on us._

_Tra-lalalala-laa, tra-lalalala-laa, tra-lalalala-lalala, _

_Tra-lalala-lalala, tra-lalalalalaaa!_

**Sokka: **

_I think you ought to recollect,_

_You cannot show too much respect_

_Towards the highly titled few,_

_But nobody does, so why should you?_

_That youth at us should have its fling_

_Is hard on us, is hard on us._

_To our prerogative we cling,_

_So pardon us, so pardon us,_

_If we decline to dance and sing._

**All (Women):**

_Tra-lalalala, tra-lalalala,_

_But youth, of course, must have its fling, so pardon us,_

_And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, be hard on us._

_Tra-lalalala-laa, tra-lalalala-laa, tra-lalalala-lalala, _

_Tra-lalala-lalala, tra-lalalalalaaa!_

(As the girls danced around a frustrated Sokka, Toph stole another kiss from him, prompting him to chase her into the house to fuss about showing respect. The other girls all followed, except for Katara who sat down beneath the cherry tree in thought. Zuko reentered the scene and snuck up behind her, putting his hands over her eyes.).

**Zuko: **Guess who.

**Katara:** Zuko, that's not funny.

(Zuko took a seat beside her.).

**Zuko: **Finally, we're alone.

**Katara: **I suppose we are. (She edged away slightly as it was not decent for her to be sitting so close to someone who wasn't her fiancé.).

**Zuko: **I've sought you night and day for three weeks in the belief that your guardian was beheaded. Now I find you're going to be married to him this afternoon.

**Katara: **Unfortunately, yes.

**Zuko: **But, you don't love him, do you?

**Katara: **Unfortunately, _no_.

(Zuko turned away and made a gesture that plainly said "yes!").

**Zuko: **So, why don't you refuse him?

**Katara: **HA! What good would that do? He's my guardian and he would never let me marry you.

**Zuko: **Uh, I could wait until you come of age.

**Katara: **(She gave him a frustrated look.). You're forgetting that, in the Fire Nation, girls don't reach the age of discretion until they're fifty.

**Zuko:** Yeah, I guess seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion.

**Katara: **Besides, a wandering minstrel who plays a Tsungi horn outside tea-houses is hardly a fitting husband for a ward of the Lord High Executioner. (Her tone was quite bitter.).

**Zuko: **(Stood up and looked thoughtfully towards the audience.). Should I tell her? Yes. I know she won't betray me. (He resumed his seat beside her and cleared his throat.). What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician?

**Katara: **There, I knew it as soon as I heard you play.

**Zuko: **Hey, my music isn't that bad.

**Katara: **It's pretty bad, Zuko.

**Zuko: **Well, what if it should prove that I am none other than the son of his majesty the Fire Lord?

**Katara: **(She gave him a skeptical look and stood up to mock-bow to him.). Oh, the son of the Fire Lord. Then why, Your Highness, are you disguised? And what has Your Highness done? And will Your Highness promise never to do it again?

**Zuko: **Okay, okay, all joking aside, I really am the Fire Lord's son. The truth is, some years ago, I had the misfortune to captivate Mai, a noblewoman of my father's court. She misconstrued my customary affability into expressions of affection and claimed me in marriage under my father's law. My father, the meanest, nastiest, most ruthless Fire Lord to walk the earth since Sozin himself, ordered me to marry her within the week or perish in dishonor on the scaffold. That night, I fled his court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Tsungi Horn Player, I joined the band here in Kirachu, where I had the happiness of meeting you.

**Katara: **(While she seemed to believe Zuko's story, she realized how close they had gotten and started to draw back.). If you please, I think Your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.

**Zuko:** But…we are quite alone and nobody can see us.

**Katara: **Still, that doesn't make it right. To flirt is capital and we must obey the law.

**Zuko: **Oh, Agni, take the law!

**Katara: **I wish he would, but he won't. (She stood up and walked away to the center of the stage.).

**Zuko: **If it were not for that, how happy we might be.

**Katara: **Mhhmm.

**Zuko: **If it wasn't for the law, we could be sitting side-by-side, like this. (He sat down right beside where she stood, but Katara walked a few feet away and sat down.).

**Katara: **Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like this.

**Zuko: **We could be gazing into each other's eyes, like this.

**Katara: **Breathing sighs of unutterable love, like this. (She gave a deep sigh that came out more mournful than romantic. Zuko stood up and moved over to sit next to her and wrapped an arm around the back of her waist.).

**Zuko:** With our arms around each other's waists, like this.

**Katara: **Yes, if it wasn't for the law.

**Zuko: **Yeah, if it wasn't for the law.

**Katara: **As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind. With me being engaged to Aang, you know. (Katara tried to leave but Zuko caught her hands and a soft melody began to play.

**Zuko:**

_Had you not to Aang been plighted,_

_I would say in tender tone,_

"_Loved one let us be united,_

_Let us be each other's own."_

_I would merge all rank and station._

_Worldly sneers are naught to us._

_And to mark my admiration,_

_I would kiss you fondly thus._

_I would kiss you fondly thus._

(Here they both shared a deep kiss. Before Katara shot up.).

**Katara: **

_But as I'm engaged you know,_

_I cannot embrace you so,_

_For it would distinctly be no joke-oh,_

_No matter how much I wish I could, Zuko._

(Zuko stood up and put an arm around her shoulders.).

**Zuko: **

_So, in spite of all temptation,_

_Such a theme I'll not discuss,_

_And on no consideration _

_Will I kiss fondly thus._

_Will I kiss you fondly thus._

(The two shared another intimate kiss when an idea seemed to hit Zuko.).

_Let me make this clear to you,_

_This is what I'll never do._

_This, oh, this _(They kiss)

_Oh, this _(They kiss)

_This is what I'll never, never do._

**Both: **

_This, oh, this _(They kiss)

_Oh, this_ (They kiss)

_Oh, this _(They kiss)

**Zuko: **_Is what I'll never do._

**Katara: **_He'll never do._

**Zuko: **_I'll never do._

**Katara: **_He'll never do._

**Both: **_Oh,__this!_ (Here they shared a particularly long kiss that nearly turned into making out until they realized there was still a play going on.). _Is what I'll never, never do._

Exeunt

* * *

"Well, that was sickening," Azula sneered.

"I thought it was a lovely scene," Ursa replied.

"Mother, sometimes I wonder if Ty-Lee and I were switched at birth considering how sappy you can be. Then I remember that Ozai is my father and everything makes sense again."


	5. Act I, Scene IV

Act I, Scene IV

(Aang entered the scene, looking off in the direction that Katara had gone, and gave a contented sigh.).

**Aang: **There goes Katara. To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that lovely parcel. Ah, matrimony…(At that moment, Sokka and Haru entered in a state of panic. Haru gave Aang a shake, pulling him from his reverie.). Now then, what is it? Can't you see I am soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir.

**Haru: **I'm the bearer of a letter from his majesty the Fire Lord.

**Aang: **A letter from the Fire Lord?! What on earth could he have to say to _me_? (He snatched the letter from Haru's hands and began reading it up and down.). It's in Japanese. (Sokka motioned for him to flip it, which he did. As he finished reading, his eyes went wide and he clutched the letter against his chest.). Here it is at last. I knew it would come sooner or later. The Fire Lord is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Kirachu for a year and decrees that, unless someone is beheaded within one month, the post of Lord High Executioner will be abolished and the city reduced to the rank of a village.

**Haru: **But, that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!

**Aang: **Yes, there's no hope for it. I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is: Who shall it be?

(The three youths paced around the scene for a few seconds before Haru and Sokka both looked at Aang with conspiratorial expressions.).

**Sokka: **Well, Aang, it seems unkind to say so, but since you're already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to _you_.

**Aang: **To me?! What are you talking about?! I can't execute myself!

**Sokka:** Why not?

**Aang: **Why not?! Because, in the first place, self-decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say _dangerous_, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide. And suicide is a capital offence.

**Sokka: **That is so, no doubt.

**Haru: **We might reserve that point.

**Sokka:** True, it might be argued in six months before the full court.

**Aang: **Besides, I don't see how a man _can_ cut off his own head.

**Sokka: **A man might _try_.

**Haru: **Even if he only succeeded in cutting it _half_ off. That _would_ be _something_.

**Sokka: **It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Fire Lord's will.

**Aang: **No, pardon me, there I am adamant. As official headsman my reputation is at stake. And I can't consent to embark on a professional operation unless I can see my way to a successful result.

**Haru: **Oh, bah, this professional conscientiousness may be highly critical to _you_, but it places _us_ in a very awkward position.

**Aang: **My dear Haru, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared to that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off his own head.

**Haru: **Well, I'm afraid that unless you can obtain a substitute-

**Aang: **A substitute! Certainly, nothing easier. Sokka, I appoint you Lord High Substitute!

**Sokka: **(At this, the Water Tribe boy burst out laughing.). Oh, I should be delighted! Such an appointment would fulfill my fondest dreams! (Suddenly, he became very serious.). But, no. At any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition.

(The music started up and Sokka led the trio to center stage.).

_I am so proud,_

_If I allowed_

_My family pride to be my guide,_

_I'd volunteer to quit this sphere,_

_Instead of you in a minute or two._

_But family pride_

_Must be denied_

_And set aside_

_And mortified._

_And mo-oh-oh-ortified._

**Aang:**

_My brain it teems_

_With endless schemes,_

_Both good and new_

_For Kirachu, for Kirachu._

_But if I flit the benefit_

_That I'd diffuse, the town would lose._

_Now, any man to aid his clan_

_Should plot and plan as best he can._

**Haru:**

_I heard, one day, a gentleman say_

_That criminals who are cut in two_

_Can hardly feel the fatal steel,_

_And so are slain-are slain without much pain._

_If this is true, it's jolly for you,_

_Your courage screw to bid us adieu._

(The three repeated each of their segments in harmony before Aang stepped up.).

**Aang: **

_And so, although, I'm ready to go,_

_Yet recollect, 'twere disrespect, _

_Did I neglect to thus effect_

_This aim direct, so I object!_

**Sokka:**

_And so, although, I wish to go,_

_And greatly pine to brightly shine_

_And take the line of a hero fine,_

_With grief condign, I must decline._

**Haru:**

_And go and show,_

_Both friend and foe,_

_How much you dare_

_I'm quite aware_

_It's your affair,_

_Yet I declare_

_I'd take your share,_

_But I don't much care._

**Sokka: **_I must decline._

**Aang: **_So I object!_

**Haru:** _I don't much care._

**Trio:**

_To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,_

_In a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock,_

_Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,_

_From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block._

_A dull, dark dock,_

_A lifelong lock,_

_A short, sharp shock._

_To sit in solemn silence _

_In a pestilential prison _

_Awaiting the sensation _

_From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!_

(Sokka and Haru both shot Aang sympathetic looks as they departed, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Aang began to pace nervously as he pondered the situation he was now in.).

**Aang: **This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my hometown, am now required to die within a month. And that by a man whom I have loaded with honors. Is this public gratitude? Is this - (Aang had been so caught up in his soliloquy he didn't notice Zuko enter the scene with a noose in his hands. However, as Zuko was trying to secure the rope from a ledge, Aang took note of his presence.). Oh, go away, sir. How dare you? Shall I never be permitted to soliloquize?

**Zuko:** Oh, go on, don't mind me.

**Aang: **Uh, what are you planning to do with that rope?

**Zuko: **Hmm? Oh, I'm about to terminate an unendurable existence.

**Aang: **Terminate your existence? Nonsense, sir, what for?

**Zuko: **Because you're going to marry the woman I love. I can't go on now.

**Aang: **That's ridiculous, sir, and I won't permit it! I'm a humane man and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I'll summon my guards!

**Zuko: **Ha! I've got one over on you there. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I will instantly perform the happy dispatch with this dagger. (Zuko withdrew his dagger and clearly made to stab himself.).

**Aang: **No, no, no! Stop! This is horrible! Give me that! (Aang wrestled the dagger out of Zuko's hands.). Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel! Are you aware that in taking your own life, you are committing a crime which…which…(Aang stopped and a smile split his face as an idea hit him.). Substitute.

**Zuko: **What's the matter?

**Aang: **Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?

**Zuko: **Absolutely.

**Aang: **Will nothing whatever shake your resolution?

**Zuko: **Nothing.

**Aang: **Threats? Entreaties? Prayers? All useless?

**Zuko: **All. My mind's made up.

**Aang: **Then…if you really mean what you say and nothing whatever will shake your determination to die, don't spoil yourself by committing suicide. But be beheaded, handsomely, at the hands of the public executioner.

**Zuko: **But, I don't see how that will benefit me.

**Aang: **You don't? Observe. You'll have a month to live, and you'll live like a fighting kanga-rooster at my expense. When the day comes, there will be a grand, public ceremonial. You'll be the central figure; no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There'll be bands, a death march, bells tolling, all the girls in tears, Katara distracted. And when it's all over there will be general rejoicing and a display of fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, of course, but they'll be there all the same.

**Zuko: **Do you think Katara would really be distracted at my death?

**Aang: **Oh, I am convinced of it. She's the most tender-hearted young lady alive.

**Zuko: **I would be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps if I withdraw from the Fire Nation and travel in the Earth Kingdom for a few years on a United Republic student exchange program, I might be able to forget her.

**Aang: **Uh, oh, I don't think you'll be able to forget Katara quite so easily. And, after all, what could be worse than a love-blighted life?

**Zuko: **True.

**Aang: **Life without Katara. Why, it seems absurd.

**Zuko: **And yet there are a good many people in the world who have to endure it.

**Aang: **Poor creatures, yes, best to not be of their number.

**Zuko: **I won't be of their number.

**Aang: **Noble fellow.

**Zuko: **Okay, here's how will manage it. You let me marry Katara tomorrow, and in a month you may behead me.

**Aang: **No. No, no, no, I draw the line at Katara.

**Zuko: **Alright, if you can draw the line, so can I. (He picked his noose back up and began to walk away, only for Aang to Airbend into his path and drag him back onto center stage.).

**Aang: **Now stop that! Be reasonable! How can I consent to your marrying Katara when I'm going to marry her myself?

**Zuko: **My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month and you can marry her then.

**Aang: **Well, I suppose that's true, of course, I quite see that, but…dear me, my position during the next month will be most unpleasant. Most unpleasant.

**Zuko: **Yes, but not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.

**Aang: **Yes, well, but…Oh, alright, I agree. After all, it's only putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her against me, will you? You see I've educated her to be my wife and she has been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.

**Zuko: **Don't worry. She'll never learn the _truth_ from me.

* * *

"He's got you there, Avatar," Azula muttered.

"Things certainly are heating up, aren't they?" said Ursa.

"They'd heat up just as quickly in the Boiling Rock. Which is where I'd rather be than this theater."

"Shhh, the finale for this act is about to start."

"Wake me when it's over, then, will you?"


	6. Act I, Finale

Act I, Finale

(Everyone who had already been seen on stage during the first act processed back out as a serious tune chimed from the orchestra.).

**Chorus (All):**

_With aspect stern_

_And gloomy stride,_

_We come to learn_

_How you decide._

_Don't hesitate,_

_Your choice to name,_

_A dreadful fate_

_You'll suffer all the same._

_A dreadful fate_

_You'll suffer all the same._

**Sokka: **_To ask you what you mean to do, we punctually appear._

**Aang: **_Congratulate me, gentlemen, I found a volunteer._

**Chorus (All): **_The Four Nations equivalent for "hear, hear, hear!"_

**Aang: **_It's Zuko._

**Chorus (All): **_Hail Zuko!_

**Aang: **_I think he'll do._

**Chorus (All): **_Yes, yes, he'll do._

**Aang:**

_He yields his life if I Katara surrender._

_Now, I adore that girl with passion tender_

_And could not yield her with a ready will,_

_Or her allot,_

_If I did not_

_Adore myself with passion tenderer still._

_With passion tenderer still._

**Chorus (All): **_Ah, yes, he loves himself with passion tenderer still._

**Aang: **Take her. She's yours.

(Aang gestured for Zuko and Katara to step forward and, reluctantly, joined their hands in a sign of his blessing, before slumping away off stage. Katara and Zuko pulled each other into a tight embrace.).

**Zuko: **_The threatened cloud has passed away._

**Katara: **_And brightly shines the dawning day._

**Zuko: **_What though the night may come too soon._

**Katara: **_There's yet a month of afternoon._

**Main Cast (No Chorus):**

_Then let the throng_

_Our joy advance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_Then let the throng_

_Our joy advance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_With laughing song._

**All:**

_With joyous shout-with joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate-inaugurate their brief career,_

_With joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate their brief career,_

_With joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate their brief career._

**Toph: **_A day, a week, a month, a year—_

**Katara: **_For far or near, for far or near._

**Sokka: **_Life's eventide comes much too soon._

**Toph: **_You'll live at least your honeymoon._

**Main Cast (No Chorus):**

_Then let the throng_

_Our joy advance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_Then let the throng_

_Our joy advance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_With laughing song_

_And merry dance,_

_With laughing song._

**All:**

_With joyous shout-with joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate-inaugurate their brief career,_

_With joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate their brief career,_

_With joyous shout and ringing cheer_

_Inaugurate their brief career._

_Laughing song and merry dance,_

_With laughing song and merry dance._

**Sokka: **(The Water Tribe youth waved for everyone to be silent as he approached Zuko.).

_As in a month you have to die,_

_If what Aang says is so,_

'_Twere empty compliment to cry_

"_Long life to Zuko!"_

_But, as one month you have to live_

_As fellow citizen,_

_This toast with three times three we'll give…_

_Long liiiiiiife,_

_Long life to you –_

_Long life to you –_

_Long liiiife to you –_

'_Til then!_

(Sokka made his exit as the chorus piped up again.).

**Chorus (All):**

_May all good fortune-all good fortune prosper you,_

_May you have health-may you have health and riches too,_

_May all good fortune prosper you,_

_May you have health and riches too,_

_May you succeed in all you do!_

_Long life, long life to you — till then!_

(Suddenly, the cheerful music turned dark and serious as a sour-faced woman in dark red and black robes swept onto the scene and motioned for the celebrations to disperse.).

**Mai: **_Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!_

**Chorus (All): **_Why, who is this whose evil eyes rain blight on our festivities?_

**Mai: **_I claim my perjured lover Zuko!_ (She noticed Zuko and stormed over to him.). _Oh fool, to shun delights that never cloy!_

**Chorus (All): **_Go, leave thy deadly work undone!_

**Mai: **_Come back, oh shallow fool! Come back to joy!_

**Chorus (All):** _Away, away, ill-favored one!_

(Zuko tried to lead Katara away.).

**Zuko: **_Ah, 'tis Mai, the woman of whom I told you._

**Mai: **_No, you shall not go. These arms shall thus enfold you._ (She tried to make a grab for Zuko but he ducked out of the way.).

_Oh fool, that fleest_

_My hallowed joys!_

_Oh blind, that seest_

_No equipoise!_

_Oh rash, that judgest_

_From half, the whole!_

_Oh base, that grudgest_

_Love's lightest dole!_

_Thy heart unbind,_

_Oh fool, oh blind!_

_Give me my place,_

_Oh rash, oh base!_

_Thy heart unbind,_

_Give me my place,_

_Oh fool, oh blind!_

_Oh rash, oh base!_

_Thy heart unbind,_

_Give me, give me my place!_

**Chorus (All):**

_If she's thy bride, restore her place,_

_Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!_

(Zuko tried to run back over to Katara, but Mai, realizing who her competition was, cut him off and rounded on the young Waterbender.).

**Mai:**

_Pink cheek, that rulest_

_Where wisdom serves!_

_Bright eye, that foolest_

_Heroic nerves!_

_Rose lip, that scornest_

_Lore-laden years!_

_Smooth tongue, that warnest_

_Who rightly hears!_

_Thy doom is nigh,_

_Pink cheek, bright eye!_

_Thy knell is rung,_

_Rose lip, smooth tongue!_

_Thy doom is nigh,_

_Thy knell is rung,_

_Pink cheek, bright eye!_

_Rose lip, smooth tongue!_

_Thy doom is nigh,_

_Thy knell, thy knell is rung!_

**Chorus (All):**

_If true her tale, thy knell is rung,_

_Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!_

(Mai and the chorus went through a slight reprise as Katara managed to find her way back to Zuko's side. By the end of the song, Toph had stomped forward, clearly not pleased at having the party interrupted.).

**Toph:**

_Away, nor prosecute your quest —_

_From our intention, well expressed,_

_You cannot turn us!_

_The state of your connubial views_

_Towards the person you accuse_

_Does not concern us!_

_For…he's going marry Katara._

**Chorus (All): **_Katara._

**Toph:**

_Your pissy mood, end,_

_You won't find a friend_

_Here, so I suggest you go home._

**Chorus (All): **_Go home._

**Toph: **_So, please just leave us alone._

_On this subject I suggest you be dumb._

**Chorus (All):** _Dumb-dumb._

**Toph:**

_You'll find there are many_

_Who'll wed for a penny._

_The word for your guidance is "Mum."_

**Chorus (All): **_Mum-mum._

**Toph: **_There're lots of good fish in the sea._

**Chorus (All):**

_On this subject I pray you be dumb — dumb — dumb._

_We think you had better succumb — cumb — cumb!_

_You'll find there are many_

_Who'll wed for a penny,_

_Who'll wed for a penny —_

_There are lots of good fish in the sea!_

_There are lots of good fish in the sea!_

_There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea!_

_There's lots of good fish, good fish in the sea,_

_In the sea, in the sea, in the sea, in the sea!_

(Suddenly, the music became somber and the stage was filled with darkness, save for a blue spotlight on Mai.).

**Mai:**

_The hour of gladness_

_Is dead and gone;_

_In silent sadness_

_I live alone!_

_The hope I cherished_

_All lifeless lies,_

_And all has perished,_

_All has perished,_

_Save love, which never dies!_

_Which never, never dies._

(The lights went back up and Mai broke from her depressing tune, now clearly angry.).

_Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue,_

_In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue!_

_I'll tear the mask from your disguising!_

**Zuko: **_Now comes the blow._

**Mai: **_Prepare yourself for new surprising!_

**Zuko: **_How can I foil my foe?_

**Mai: **_No minstrel he, despite bravado!_

**Katara: **_Ah-ha! I know!_

(Katara quickly had everyone gather around as she whispered her plan. Just as Mai began to continue, Katara raised her hands, preparing to conduct the others in a very loud interruption.).

**Mai: **_He is the son of your –_

**All: **_O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!_

**Mai: **_In vain you interrupt with this tornado. He is the only son of your –_

**All: **_O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!_

**Mai: **_He is the son –_

**All: **_O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!_

**Mai: **_The son of your –_

**All: **_O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Oh-ah-oh!_

**Mai:**

_Ye torrents roar,_

_Ye tempests howl!_

_Your wrath outpour,_

_With angry growl!_

_Do ye your worst, my vengeance call_

_Shall rise triumphant over all!_

**All:**

_We'll hear no more,_

_Ill-omened owl._

_To joy we soar,_

_Despite your scowl!_

_The echoes of our festival_

_Shall rise triumphant over all!_

**Mai:**

_Prepare for woe,_

_Haughty noblemen,_

_At once I go,_

_Kirachu maidens._

**All:**

_Away you go,_

_Collect your hordes;_

_Proclaim your woe_

_In dismal chords._

**Katara: **_We do not heed their dismal sound._

**Zuko: **_For joy reigns everywhere around._

**Both:**

_The echoes of our festival_

_Shall rise triumphant over all._

_Shall rise triumphant,_

_Triumphant over all!_

_Shall rise triumphant over all!_

**Mai: **_My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned._

**All:**

_We do not heed their dismal sound,_

_For joy reigns everywhere around!_

_We do not heed their dismal sound,_

_For joy reigns everywhere around!_

_For joy reigns everywhere…around!_

End of Act I

* * *

The curtains closed as the audience thundered their applause. Ursa, however, was shaking her daughter awake as Azula was seemingly fast-asleep.

"Azula, you silly, you slept through the first finale."

"Who's the fool here? You _watched_ it."

"But, you missed Mai actually showing emotion."

"I wonder how much hot sauce they made her drink before the curtain-call to elicit a reaction."

"Well, it's intermission, do you want to go and get a snack from the concession?"

"Nope, I'd rather go home, order a pizza, and watch a new episode of my favorite show. I still can't believe you're making me miss Hollyoaks for this."

"It's not like you're suffering alone. Your father is missing Doctor Who to be in this play."

"Knowing Dad he probably insisted on having a television installed in his dressing room."


	7. Intermission

Intermission

"Toph, I did not approve of those script changes you made in the first act," the cabbage merchant fussed at the blind Earthbender.

"It was improv," Toph replied with a shrug. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to reword a prewritten dialogue to suit your cast? Well, I was just adding my own flavor to the lyrics."

The man gave a resigned sigh.

"Just, please, use the original lyrics in the grand finale, would you? My job's not any easier, you know. Plus, I have to go out and man the concession stand. Those cabbages don't sell themselves."

"Fine, I'll try to stick to the script."

As the cabbage merchant left, Toph shook her head and made her way to the dressing room to get ready for the next act. Really, the guy should have seen it coming that a blind girl would have to make some changes considering she couldn't read the script in the first place, coupled with the fact that she had a few issues with being made to talk like some obnoxious rich girl, regardless of the fact that she was one herself.

So, Toph grudgingly entered the dressing room, already formulating plans to mess with the lines and lyrics of the second act (as the merchant had only said to keep the lines right in the grand finale), she was grabbed by Ty-Lee, who helped get her into her dress for Act II. Ty-Lee was already dressed up for it, her bubblegum-pink kimono with its purple trim and obi standing out vividly amidst the more refined blues, greens, whites, yellows, and reds of the other girls. Toph's kimono was, thankfully, a respectable forest green with a simple bamboo pattern and a tan-colored obi that the Earthbender would appreciate for its simplicity had she been able to see it.

Katara, meanwhile, was not nearly as dressed up as the other girls. She was wearing a plain, white kimono that would be covered up with a more elaborate blue one during the opening number. Her hair was being put up in a simple knot by the hairdresser as she read over her lines for the next act.

"I still think this makes me sound full of myself," Katara complained about her soliloquy.

"Then change the lines up a bit," Toph said as she reluctantly allowed Ty-Lee to put flowers in her hairdo. "I'm going to do it."

"But…but I can't change the lines in the script! They're there for a reason."

"Snore. That's what people are going to do if you use outdated material."

There was a frantic knock on the door.

"Can I come in?!" It was Sokka.

"Is everybody decent?!" Toph called to the girls, whom she sensed nodding through her Earthbending. "You can come in, Snoozles!"

Sokka darted into the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Guys, I think it was a terrible idea to let Ozai be in this play. We should have had Iroh play his part."

"Where is Iroh, anyway?" said Katara. "I didn't see him in the audience."

"Neither did I," Toph replied, grinning at her blind joke.

"General Iroh was banned from this theater after an…incident involving a young actress," replied Katara's hairdresser. "For professional reasons, I can't disclose all the details, but, let's just say that if Prince Lu Ten were still alive and didn't want to be Fire Lord then he would have natural acting talent he could fall back on."

"Anyway," Katara continued, breaking the awkward silence. "Sokka, what was your problem?"

"Huh? Oh, Ozai's in a really bad mood because the TV reception went out and he missed the end of his Doctor Who episode."

"Damn Fios," Toph muttered. "I warned the company director not to give into their scam, especially since it's more expensive in this area."

"It's just lucky for us that Aang removed Ozai's Firebending," Sokka concluded. "If he hadn't then we wouldn't still have a theater to perform in."

"What's Ozai even doing here?" Katara asked. "I thought he was never going to be let out of prison."

"It counts as part of his community service requirements," Toph replied.

* * *

The former Fire Nation general glared intensely at the usher who currently stood in his way.

"I still don't get why I can't go in," he insisted. "It was years ago and no one was hurt by it. In fact, the theater's attendance rate when up dramatically."

"Listen, sir, I don't make the rules, I just enforce 'em," the usher replied.

"Could you at least deliver these fire-lilies for me?" Iroh held a large bouquet of the red flowers out for the man to see. "They're a gift for my nephew. He's performing in the lead role, you know."

"He's the Fire Lord?"

"No. Well, he is, but not in the play. Just, do this favor for me, okay?"

"Say, these are pretty nice fire-lilies. Especially for this time of year."

"Yes, why don't take a closer look?"

The unwary usher leaned in to have a better look at the flowers when, suddenly, Iroh sprang his attack and knocked the man unconscious. The sneaky Dragon of the West quickly made his way up into the royal box where Ursa and Azula were sitting, though he did his best to stay out of sight of any security personnel.

"Uncle? What are you doing here?" said Azula. "I thought you were banned from this theater for life."

"Yes, well, there was a slight difficulty at the entrance, my niece, but I managed to get things sorted out in time to catch the last half of the play. Now, will you two kindly catch me up on what's happened so far?"

Azula and Ursa recounted everything Iroh had missed just in time for the opening of the second act. The cabbage merchant maestro returned to his post, bowed to the audience, and lifted the baton once more. With a single wave, the soft, melodic notes of the orchestra began.


	8. Act II, Scene I

Act II, Scene I

(As the gentle music of the opening number wafted through the theater, the curtains pulled away. The scene had changed from a garden to a courtyard decorated for a wedding. Katara was seated as Toph, Ty-Lee, and the ladies of the chorus flitted about, either setting up decorations or helping Katara with her makeup.)

**All: **

_Braid the raven hair,_

_Weave the supple tress,_

_Deck the maiden fair_

_In her loveliness._

_Paint the pretty face,_

_Dye the coral lip,_

_Emphasize the grace_

_Of her ladyship._

_Art and nature, thus allied,_

_Go to make a pretty bride._

_Art and nature, thus allied,_

_Go to make a pretty bride._

**Toph:**

_Sit with downcast eye,_

_Let it brim with dew,_

_Try if you can cry._

_We will do so, too._

_When you're summoned, start,_

_Like a frightened roe._

_Flutter little heart,_

_Color come and go._

_Modesty at marriage tide_

_Well becomes a pretty bride._

_Modesty at marriage tide_

_Well becomes a pretty bride._

(The ladies all repeated the first verse as they helped Katara into her wedding kimono, a pale blue one with white lining, and fixed her hair with decorations. Inwardly, Toph was grumbling that Katara made her stick to the original lyrics instead of interchanging them with the bawdy and completely inappropriate lyrics she had been thinking up during the intermission.

As the song concluded, the women all drifted off the stage, leaving Katara alone. Katara picked up a mirror and admired their handiwork.).

**Katara: **Yes, I am indeed beautiful. Sometimes, I sit and wonder in my artless Water Tribe way why it is that I am more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Could this be vanity? No. Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of nature and take after my mother.

(Katara set down the mirror and rose from her seat as a gentle melody began to play.).

_The sun, whose rays _

_Are all ablaze,_

_With ever-living glory,_

_Does not deny his majesty—_

_He scorns to tell a story!_

_He won't exclaim,_

_"I blush for shame,_

_So kindly be indulgent."_

_But, fierce and bold, _

_In fiery gold,_

_He glories all effulgent!_

_I mean to rule the earth,_

_As he the sky—_

_We really know our worth,_

_The sun and I!_

_I mean to rule the earth,_

_As he the sky—_

_We really know our worth,_

_The sun and I!_

_Observe his flame,_

_That placid dame,_

_The moon's Celestial Highness;_

_There's not a trace_

_Upon her face_

_Of diffidence or shyness:_

_She borrows light_

_That, through the night,_

_Mankind may all acclaim her!_

_And, truth to tell,_

_She lights up well,_

_So I, for one, don't blame her!_

_Ah, pray make no mistake,_

_We are not shy;_

_We're very wide awake,_

_The moon and I!_

_Ah, pray make no mistake,_

_We are not shy;_

_We're very wide awake,_

_The moon and I!_

(Toph and Ty-Lee reentered the scene, each giving Katara a hug.).

**Katara: **Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married today to the man I love best, and I believe I must be the happiest girl in the entire Fire Nation.

**Ty-Lee: **The happiest girl, indeed. She is certainly to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.

**Katara: **In all _but_ perfection?

**Ty-Lee: **Well, Katara dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.

**Toph:** I don't know about that, Ty-Lee. It all depends.

**Ty-Lee: **At all events _he'll _find it a drawback.

**Toph: **Not necessarily, it all depends.

**Katara: **(Katara was now very close to tears.). I think it's very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be…to be…

**Ty-Lee: **Cut short?

(Katara bursts into tears.).

**Katara:** Well – cut short in a month! Can't you let me forget it?!

**Toph: **Smooth move, Miss Sunshine.

**Ty-Lee: **Oh, Katara, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean…

(Zuko and Haru entered and approached the girls after hearing the outburst.).

**Zuko: **Katara in tears? And on her wedding day?

(Katara flung herself into Zuko's arms.).

**Katara:** They've been reminding me that, in a month, you're to be beheaded.

**Toph: **Yeah, _we've_ been reminding her that in a month you're to be beheaded.

**Ty-Lee: **Well, it's quite true you are to be beheaded.

**Zuko: **Now, some bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing. A month? Well, what's a month? These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?

**Toph: **There's a popular impression to that effect, Sparky.

**Zuko: **Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute, each minute an hour, each hour a day, and each day a year. At that rate, we'll have about thirty years of married happiness before us.

**Ty-Lee: **Oh, and at that rate, this interview has already last four hours and three quarters. Ooh, it's time for tea! (Here Ty-Lee departed.).

**Katara: **Yes, how time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself.

**Zuko: **That's the way to look at it. Don't let us be downhearted. Clouds have two sides, a dark and a light, and a silver lining down the middle. Like a silver sandwich. So, let's take a bite out of the silver sandwich. (Everyone gave Zuko unamused looks at his improvisation.).

**Katara:** Yes, let's be perfectly happy.

**Haru: **By all means. Let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves.

**Toph:** It's absurd to cry.

**Katara:** Quite ridiculous.

(Everyone tried to smile, but it didn't reach their eyes. The orchestra began to play again as the madrigal started.).

**Katara:** _Brightly dawns our wedding day._

**All: **

_Joyous hour, we give thee greeting,_

_Whither, whither art thou fleeting?_

_Fickle moment, prithee stay,_

_Fickle moment, prithee stay!_

**Haru: **_What though mortal joys be hollow._

**Toph:** _Pleasures come if sorrows follow._

**All:**

_Though the tocsin sound, ere long,_

_Ding dong, ding dong._

_Yet, until the shadows fall,_

_Over one and over all,_

**Katara: **_Sing a merry madrigal._

**All:**

_Sing a merry madrigal._

_Fa-la-lala, fa-la-lala,_

_Fa-la-la._

**Katara: **_Let us dry the ready tear._

**All:**

_Though the hours our surely creeping,_

_Little need for woeful weeping_

'_Til the sad sundown is near._

'_Til the sad sundown is near._

**Haru: **_All must sip the cup of sorrow._

**Toph: **_I today and thou tomorrow._

**All:**

_This the close of every song,_

_Ding dong, ding dong._

_What though solemn shadows fall,_

_Sooner, later, over all._

**Katara: **_Sing a merry madrigal._

**All:**

_Sing a merry madrigal._

_Fa-la-lala, fa-la-lala,_

_Fa-la-la._

(As Katara began to sob quietly into her fiancé's shoulder, Toph and Haru left the young couple alone. As Zuko comforted his bride-to-be, neither of them noticed Aang walking in dressed in his fuzzy robe and slippers, reading his morning paper. The Airbender looked over and realized he was being ignored.).

**Aang:** Oh, go on, don't mind _me_.

**Zuko: **I'm sorry. I'm afraid we're distressing you.

**Aang: **Never mind, I must get used to it. Only, please, do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm around her waist. (Zuko did so and Aang winced.). There, let me get used to that first. (Aang gave a deep sigh.).

**Katara: **Wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together.

**Aang: **No, I must learn to bear it. Now, oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder.

(Katara leaned against Zuko, inadvertently allowing a smile to grace her lips.).

**Zuko: **Like that?

**Aang: **Thank you, I am much obliged to you. (Aang gave another deep sigh and looked to Zuko.). Now, kiss her. (Aang winced and turned away as they complied with his requeast.). It's simple torture.

**Katara: **There, there, now. After all, it's only for a month.

**Aang: **No, it's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.

**Zuko and Katara: **What do you mean?

**Aang: **My girl, my poor girl. How shall I break it to her? My little bride that _was_ to have been…

**Katara: **_Was_ to have been?

**Aang: **Yes, I'm afraid you never can be mine. (Zuko and Katara both grinned and pulled each other into a deep kiss.). I've just ascertained that, by the Fire Lord's law, when a married man is beheaded, his wife is buried alive.

(The two lovers froze, pulled away, and slowly turned to look at Aang.).

**Both: **Buried alive?

**Aang: **Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.

**Zuko: **Who did you get that from?

**Aang: **Oh, from Sokka, he's my solicitor.

**Katara: **But, he may be mistaken.

**Aang: **Ha, so I thought! So I consulted the Attorney General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life.

**Zuko: **But, hang on a minute, this law has never been put in force.

**Aang: **Well, not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and, of course, married men never flirt.

**Zuko: **Of course, they don't. I had forgotten that. Well, it looks like my dream of married happiness is at an end.

**Katara: **Darling, I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart, I don't suppose I could love anybody _half_ as much, but when I agreed to marry you I had no idea that I should have to be buried alive in a month.

**Zuko: **Nor I, it's the very first _I've_ heard of it.

**Katara: **It makes a difference, doesn't it?

**Zuko: **It does make a difference, of course.

**Katara: **You see - burial alive - it's such a…stuffy death.

**Zuko: **I'd call it a beast of a death.

**Katara: **You see my difficulty.

**Zuko: **Yes, and I see my own. If I insist upon you carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death. If I release you, you marry Aang at once.

(Aang gave a single nod of confirmation as the next song began.).

**Katara:**

_Here's a how-de-do,_

_If I marry you,_

_When your time has come to perish_

_Then the maiden whom you cherish_

_Must be slaughtered, too._

_Here's a how-de-do! Here's a how-de-do!_

**Zuko:**

_Here's a pretty mess,_

_In a month or less,_

_I must die without a wedding,_

_Let the bitter tears I'm shedding _

_Witness my distress!_

_Here's a pretty mess! Here's a pretty mess!_

**Aang:**

_Here's a state of things!_

_To her life she clings._

_Matrimonial devotion_

_Doesn't seem to suit her notion!_

_Burial it brings!_

_Here's a state of things! Here's a state of things!_

**All:**

_With a passion that's intense_

_I worship and adore._

_But the laws of common sense_

_We oughtn't to ignore!_

_If what he says is true,_

'_Tis death to marry you._

_Here's a pretty state of things,_

_Here's a pretty how-de-do,_

_Here's a pretty state of things, a pretty state of things!_

_For if what he says is true,_

_I cannot, cannot marry you!_

_Here's a pretty state of things!_

Here's a pretty how-de-do.

(Katara, now thoroughly distraught, retreated offstage in tears.).

**Aang: **My poor friend, I'm really very sorry for you.

**Zuko: **Thank you, Aang, I'm _sure_ you are.

**Aang: **You see I'm quite helpless.

**Zuko: **I can see that.

**Aang: **I can't conceive of anything more distressing than having one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But, you shan't be disappointed of a wedding. You shall come to mine. (Behind Zuko's back, Aang was doing a small victory dance.).

**Zuko: **Thanks, that's _really_ kind of you, but I'm afraid that's impossible.

(Aang froze and shot around to confront Zuko.).

**Aang: **Why's that?

**Zuko:** Today, I die.

**Aang: **What do you mean?!

**Zuko: **I can't live without Katara. This afternoon I perform the happy dispatch.

**Aang: **No, no, no, no, no. No! I'm afraid I can't allow that.

**Zuko: **Why not?

**Aang: **Why not?! Damn it, Zuko, you're under contract to die in a month's time at the hands of the public executioner. If you kill yourself, what's to become of _me_? I'll have to be executed in your place.

**Zuko: **It would certainly seem so.

(At that moment, Sokka rushed onto the stage, frantically trying to grab their attention.).

**Aang: **Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?

**Sokka: **The Fire Lord and his court are approaching the city and will be here in ten minutes!

**Aang: **The Fire Lord! Oh no, he's come to see whether his orders have been carried out. (He rounded on Zuko.). Now, look here, you, this is getting serious. A bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honor and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously at the hands of the public executioner.

**Zuko: **Okay then, behead me.

**Aang: **What, now?

**Zuko: **Certainly, at once.

**Sokka: **Go on, Aang! Chop it off! Chop it off! Chop it off!

(Aang gave Sokka a hard stare and grabbed him by the front of his robes.).

**Aang: **My good sir, I do _not_ go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I've never so much as killed a spider-fly.

(Sokka brushed Aang's hands away.).

**Sokka: **Still, as Lord High Executioner…

**Aang: **Oh, monkey-feathers, Sokka! As Lord High Executioner, I've got to behead him in a _month_. I'm not ready yet, I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with guinea pig, and work my way up through the animal kingdom until I come to…a Second Tsungi Horn Player. You didn't really think that, as a humane man and an Air Nomad, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal. (Aang put a hand on Zuko's shoulder and started to tear up.). I can't kill you. I can't kill anything. I can't kill anybody.

**Zuko: **Oh, come on, Aang. We all have unpleasant duties to carry out at times. I mean, if I don't mind then why should you? Sooner or later, it must be done.

**Aang:** Must it? (Suddenly, Aang was struck by inspiration.). I'm not so sure about that.

**Zuko: **What do you mean?

**Aang: **Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses: The Lord Chief Justice, the Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.

**Zuko: **That's great! Where are they?

(Aang slowly pointed towards Sokka who was casually examining his nails as a wry smile appeared on his face.).

**Aang: **There they are. They'll all swear to it, won't you?

**Sokka: **Am I to understand that all us high officers of state are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?

**Aang:** Why not? You'll be grossly insulted as usual.

**Sokka: **Will the insult be cash-down, or at a date?

**Aang: **It will be a ready-money transaction. (Aang pulled out a large satchel of coins and held it out for Sokka to snatch up.).

**Sokka: **Well, talk about _cold_hard cash. Alright, choose your fiction and I'll endorse it. (Sokka turned to the audience.). How do you like _that_, my family pride?

**Zuko: **But I tell you that life without Katara -

**Aang: **Oh, Katara, Katara, Katara! Sokka, my Commissionaire, go get your sister in here. Now look, Zuko, take Katara and marry Katara, only go away and never come back again! (Sokka had reentered the stage, escorting Katara over to Zuko.). Okay, here she is. Katara, are you particularly busy?

**Katara: **No, not particularly.

**Aang: **Do you have five minutes to spare?

**Katara:** Yes.

**Aang: **Then go along with your brother, I mean, his grace the Head Fire Sage of Kirachu. He'll marry you to Zuko at once.

**Katara: **But, if I'm to be buried alive - ?!

**Aang: **Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you. Zuko will explain later.

**Zuko: **Wait, hang on a sec!

**Aang: **Not for worlds! Here comes the Fire Lord! If he finds you alive I will have the greatest difficulty in convincing him that I've beheaded you!

Exeunt

* * *

"Well, that was disappointing," said Azula. "I was hoping to see Zuko's head separated from his body."

"I think they are all doing a splendid job," said Iroh. "I can't wait to see my little brother try to perform. Ozai never was a very good singer. And he does tend to overact, so I think his acting might be on par with Azula's capability for compassion."

"Oh, ha-ha-ha," Azula sneered as she looked up from her opera-glasses. "Pick on the psychopaths."

"Really, Iroh, you're beating a dead ostrich-horse with that joke," Ursa said. "Could we please just return to the play?"


	9. Act II, Scene II

Act II, Scene II

(As Aang ushered the others off the stage, the men and women of the chorus entered, dressed in fine robes, and formed organized rows on either side of the stage. A series of extras dressed as imperial guards and banner-wielders followed behind them.).

**Chorus (All):**

_Mi-ya sa-ma, mi-ya sa-ma,_

_On n'm-ma no ma-ye ni,_

_Pira pira suru no wa_

_Nan gia na,_

_Toko tonyare tonyare na!_

(Everyone kowtowed as Ozai entered followed by Mai, both of them looking dour and serious.).

_Mi-ya sa-ma, mi-ya sa-ma,_

_On n'm-ma no ma-ye ni,_

_Pira pira suru no wa_

_Nan gia na,_

_Toko tonyare tonyare na!_

(Ozai waved for silence.).

**Ozai:**

_From every kind of man,_

_Obedience I expect!_

_I'm the Lord of the Fire Nation!_

**Mai:**

_And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!_

_He'll marry his son_

_(He's only got one)_

_To his daughter-in-law elect!_

**Ozai:**_ My morals have been declared particularly correct!_

**Mai: **_But they're nothing at all, compared with those of his daughter-in-law elect! Bow! Bow! To his daughter-in-law elect!_

**Chorus (All): **_Bow! Bow! To his daughter-in-law elect!_

**Ozai:**

_In a fatherly kind of way,_

_I govern each tribe and sect!_

_All cheerfully own my sway—_

**Mai:**

_Except his daughter-in-law elect!_

_As tough as a bone,_

_With a will of her own,_

_Is his daughter-in-law elect!_

**Ozai: **_My nature is love and light, my freedom from all defect._

**Mai: **_Is insignificant, quite, compared with his daughter-in-law elect! Bow! Bow! To his daughter-in-law elect!_

**Chorus (All):** _Bow! Bow! To his daughter-in-law elect!_

(Ozai, throughout the opening song, had looked particularly miffed each time Mai had tried to upstage him, but as the orchestra began his solo, he knew he was the star of the show.).

**Ozai:**

_A more humane Fire Lord_

_Never did in our land exist!_

_To nobody's second,_

_I'm certainly reckoned_

_A true philanthropist!_

_It is my very humane endeavor_

_To make to some extent,_

_Each evil liver a running river_

_Of harmless merriment!_

_My object all sublime,_

_I shall achieve in time,_

_To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime!_

_And make each prisoner pent_

_Unwillingly represent_

_A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment!_

_All libidinous fans who stalk our show, and chatter, bleat, and bore,_

_Are told stupid puns _

_By Airbender nuns,_

_Who preach on chastity from ten 'til four._

_The amateur writer, whose fanfiction villainies _

_All desire to shirk,_

_Shall be put to good use,_

_And suffer the abuse_

_Of copyright paperwork!_

_But the fan-fic author who writes fairly well,_

_Even those who support crack-ships,_

_Will be sent to a casino, over in Reno _

_Each with a sack of poker chips._

_But the idiot who, when writing slash,_

_Gets all of the smut scenes wrong,_

_Will only suffer to ride on the buffer_

_Of a train to the slums of Hong Kong._

_My object all sublime,_

_I shall achieve in time,_

_To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime!_

_And make each prisoner pent_

_Unwillingly represent_

_A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment!_

(The chorus repeated and Ozai continued, grinning at his wit in writing his own lyrics for the song. The blind girl was right, this was more fun than following the original words.).

_The aspiring director who wrecks a show's reputation with his so-called "skills,"_

_He, I've deduced,_

_Shall be reduced_

_To being executed with large amounts of cyanide pills._

_And the Ember Island Players will be made to attend_

_Lessons on acting with me._

_But if they don't improve,_

_I'll be forced to remove_

_Bits of their anatomy._

_And their playwriting hack, if anyone finds him,_

_His fate I've yet to decide._

_But he'll be made to dwell_

_In a dungeon cell,_

_With a cinderblock strapped to his side._

_And there he will stay, with nothing to do,_

_'Til I execute the plan that I already had,_

_That his only demise_

_Will be to advise_

_M. Night on how to not suck so bad._

_My object all sublime,_

_I shall achieve in time,_

_To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime!_

_And make each prisoner pent_

_Unwillingly represent_

_A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment!_

**Chorus (All):**

_His object all sublime,_

_He shall achieve in time,_

_To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime!_

_And make each prisoner pent_

_Unwillingly represent_

_A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment!_

(As the song concluded, Aang, who had since changed out of the fuzzy bathrobe and slippers, entered the scene accompanied by Sokka and Toph, and the three bowed to the Fire Lord.).

**Aang: **I am honored to be permitted to welcome Your Majesty. I guess the object of Your Majesty's visit; your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.

**Ozai: **Oh, you've had an execution, then, have you?

**Aang: **Yes, the Coroner has just handed me his certificate.

**Sokka: **I am the Coroner, Your Majesty.

(Ozai accepted the document and began to read.).

**Ozai: **Ah, so this is the certificate of his death? "At Kirachu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and…Official Royal Embezzler?"

**Sokka: **They were all present, Your Majesty, I counted them myself.

**Ozai: **Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the performance.

**Aang: **And a tough fellow he was, too. A man of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It really was a remarkable scene.

**Ozai:** Hmm…Describe it.

(Aang exchanged a nervous glance with his compatriots as the music started up.).

**Aang:**

_The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,_

_In a state of wild alarm._

_With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,_

_I bared my big right arm._

_I seized him by his little topknot, and on his knees fell he._

_As he squirmed and struggled, _

_And gurgled and guggled,_

_I drew my snickersnee. My snickersnee!_

(Aang attempted to hoist up his sword as Toph passed it to him, but couldn't raise the heavy, metal blade, leaving him grinning awkwardly at the Fire Lord. Luckily, Ozai was so focused on the song, he didn't notice.).

_Oh, never shall I_

_Forget the cry,_

_Or the shriek that shriek-ed he._

_As I gnashed my teeth,_

_When, from its sheath,_

_I drew my snickersnee!_

**Chorus (All):**

_We know him well,_

_He cannot tell_

_Untrue or groundless tales._

_He always tries_

_To utter lies,_

_And every time he fails._

**Toph:**

_He shivered and shook, as he prepared_

_For the stroke he didn't deserve,_

_When all of a sudden, he stopped and stared_

_At me and it braced his nerve._

_For he nodded his head and kissed his hand_

_And he whistled an air, did he._

_As the saber true_

_Cut cleanly through_

_His cervical vertebrae. His vertebrae._

_Although I am blind,_

_I could sense the kind_

_Of noble man that was he,_

_And so I'm glad_

_That moment sad_

_Was soothed by sight of me._

**Chorus (All):**

_Her terrible tale_

_You can't assail._

_With truth it quite agrees._

_Her taste exact_

_For faultless fact_

_Amounts to a disease._

**Sokka:**

_Now, though you'd have said_

_That head was dead,_

_For its owner, dead was he,_

_It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,_

_And bowed three time to me._

_It was none of your impudent, off-hand nods,_

_But as humble as could be._

_For it clearly knew_

_The deference due_

_To a man of pedigree. Of pedigree._

_And it's, oh, I vow, _

_That deathly bow_

_Was a touching sight to see._

_Though trunkless, yet,_

_It couldn't forget_

_The deference due to me._

**Chorus (All):**

_This haughty youth,_

_He speaks the truth_

_(Whenever he finds it pays)._

_And in this case_

_It all took place_

_Exactly as he says._

_Exactly, exactly, exactly as he says!_

**Ozai: **Yes, well, this is all very interesting and I should like to have seen it, but we came about a totally _different_ matter.

**Aang, Toph, and Sokka: **What?!

**Ozai:** Yes, you see, a year ago, my son, the heir to the throne of the Fire Nation, bolted from our imperial court.

**Aang: **Indeed? Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position?

**Mai: **None whatsoever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him. And yet he fled.

**Sokka: **I'm surprised that he fled from one so lovely.

**Mai: **That's not true, _is it_?

**Sokka: **Uh, _no_.

**Mai: **You hold that I'm not beautiful because my face is plain and constantly morose. But you know nothing. You are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not only in the face that beauty is to be sought. My face is…unattractive.

**Sokka: **Oh, it is.

**Mai: **But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.

**Sokka: **Allow me. (Sokka attempted to look up her sleeve, only for Mai to swat him with her fan.)

**Mai: **It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world.

**Aang: **And yet he fled.

**Ozai: **And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Tsungi Horn Player.

**Aang, Sokka, and Toph:** A Second Tsungi Horn Player?!

**Ozai: **Yes. Would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of…uh…

**Mai: **Zuko.

**Ozai:** Yes. Zuko. That's right.

(By now, Aang and the others were beginning to panic while the choristers all started whistling casually as they backed off the stage.).

**Aang: **Ah, well, the thing is, it's quite easy to produce him; that being said, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, he's…he's gone abroad.

**Ozai: **Gone abroad? His address?

**Aang: **Yu Dao?

(Just then, the air was rent by a furious scream from Mai who had just read the death certificate of the man Aang had claimed to have executed.).

**Mai: **See here! His name, "Zuko. Beheaded this morning." Where will I find another? Where will I find another?! (She had grabbed Aang by the front of his robes and was now violently shaking the young man in her rant.).

**Ozai: **Dear Agni, this is all very tiresome. My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes, it seems that you have beheaded the heir to the throne of the Fire Nation.

**Aang: **I beg to offer an unqualified apology! (Aang, Toph, and Sokka were now all kneeling, heads scraping the floor as they tried to look as pathetic as possible.).

**Sokka: **I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret.

**Toph: **We honestly didn't know!

**Ozai: **Of course you didn't, dear girl, how could you? Come, come, now, don't distress yourselves; it was no fault of yours. If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Tsungi Horn Player, then he must face the consequences. It bothers me to see you all carry on so. I've no doubt that he thoroughly deserved all he got.

(Aang, Toph, and Sokka began to stand up, relieved that the Fire Lord didn't seem to blame them.).

**Aang: **We are infinitely obliged to Your Majesty.

**Toph: **Much obliged, Your Majesty.

**Sokka: **Very much obliged, Your Majesty.

**Ozai: **Obliged? Not at all. Don't mention it. How could you tell?

**Sokka: **No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman really was.

**Toph:** Didn't have it written in brail on his face, you know.

**Aang: **It might have been written on his Tumblr account, but we haven't invented that in this universe yet.

**Ozai:** Ahahahaha! Ah, yes, I-ah, I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.

(Aang, Toph, and Sokka dropped to their knees once again.).

**Aang, Toph, and Sokka: **Punishment?

**Ozai:** Yes. It was something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I believe. No, I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering. It was either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, you three, don't fret, I'm not a bit angry.

**Aang: **If your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea -!

**Ozai: **Of course.

**Toph: **I knew nothing about it!

**Sokka: **I wasn't there!

**Ozai: **That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake.

**Aang, Toph, and Sokka: **No.

**Ozai: **Or not knowing.

**Aang: **No.

**Ozai: **Or having no notion.

**Toph: **No.

**Ozai: **Or not being there.

**Sokka:** No.

**Ozai:** There should be, of course.

**Aang, Toph, and Sokka: **Yes!

**Ozai: **But there isn't. That's the slovenly way these Acts are always drawn; however, cheer up. It'll be alright. I'll have it altered. _Next session_. Now, let's see about your execution. Will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait 'til then?

**Aang, Toph, and Sokka: **Oh, yes, we can wait 'til then.

**Ozai: **Then we'll make it after luncheon.

**Sokka: **For the first time in my life, I don't want any lunch.

**Ozai: **I really am very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world. And virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances and fanfiction.

(Here, Ozai and Mai departed the scene, leaving the three comrades behind to wallow in their misery. Once Mai and Fire Lord Ozai had left, Aang immediately rounded on Sokka.)

**Aang:** Well, a nice mess you've got us into. With your "nodding head" and "deference due to a man of pedigree."

**Sokka:** Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.

**Toph:** Corroborative detail?! Sokka, that's the biggest load of pig-bull crap I have ever heard and it's going to cost us our lives.

**Aang: **And _you're_ just as bad as _he_ is! With your cock-and-a-bull stories about "catching his eye" and his "whistling an air." But that's so like _you_, isn't it? You must put in your oar.

**Sokka: **Well, how about your "big right arm"?

**Toph:** Yeah, and your "snickersnee"?

**Aang:** Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one thing to be done. Zuko hasn't left yet. He must come to life again, at once! (At that moment, Zuko and Katara entered, arm-in-arm.). Here he comes. Hey, Zuko, I've got good news for you! You're reprieved!

**Zuko: **Hmm? Oh, sorry, Aang, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

**Aang: **Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you're the son of the Fire Lord.

**Zuko: **Yeah, I knew that already, but that happened quite a long time ago.

**Aang: **(Aang slapped himself on the forehead.). Is this really the time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Mai.

**Zuko:** My father? And with Mai?

**Aang:** Yes, he wants you particularly.

**Sokka:** And so does _she_.

**Katara:** Well, that's too bad, he's married now.

**Aang: **What in the Spirit World has that got to do with it?

**Zuko: **Mai claims me in marriage. But I can't marry her because I'm married already. Consequently, she will insist upon my execution, and if I'm executed then my wife will have to be buried alive.

**Katara:** You see our difficulty?

**Aang:** Yes. I don't know what's to be done.

(They all paced around the room, when, suddenly, Zuko was struck by an idea and turned to Aang.).

**Zuko: **There's one chance for you. If you can convince Mai to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to death.

**Aang:** (At Zuko's pronouncement, Aang's jaw went slack and he stared at the Firebender in disbelief.) I marry Mai?

**Katara:** I really think it's the only course.

**Aang:** But-but, my dear girl, have you _seen_ her? She's something appalling!

**Toph:** Well, from what you guys were saying earlier, it sounds like it's only her face. Don't forget she has a "left shoulder-blade that people come miles to see." (Toph quoted the line in the same voice she had once used to mock Joo-Dee's "One doesn't just 'pop-in' on the Earth King" quip.).

**Sokka:** And I'm told that her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.

**Aang: **My dear Sokka, I decline to pin my heart to any lady's right heel.

**Zuko: **Well, it comes to this: while Mai is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit. When Mai is married, existence will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.

(Aang glowered as a lively tune started up.).

_The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la!_

_Breathe promise of merry sunshine!_

_As we merrily dance and we sing, tra-la!_

_We welcome the hope that they bring, tra-la!_

_Of a summer of roses and wine, of a summer of roses and wine._

_And that's what we mean when we say that a thing_

_Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring._

**All: **_Tra-la-lalala, tra-la-lalalaaa. Tra-la-lalalala_

**Aang:**

_The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la!_

_Have nothing to do with the case!_

_I've got to take under my wing, tra-la!_

_A most unattractive old thing, tra-la!_

_With a caricature of a face, with a caricature of a face._

_And that's what I mean when I say or I sing,_

"_Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring!"_

_Tra-la-lalala, tra-la-lalala, oh, bother the flowers of spring!_

**All: **_Tra-la-lalala, tra-la-lalalaaa. Tra-la-lalalala_

Exeunt

* * *

"I liked it," Azula said, drawing astonished looks from her mother and uncle.

"Don't tell me you really enjoyed that?" said Iroh.

"Nah, I just wanted to see the expressions on your faces if I said I did."

"Speaking of flowers that bloom in the spring," Ursa spoke up, "Iroh, did you remember to bring those fire-lilies for Zuko?"

Iroh muttered unintelligibly about annoying theater ushers.


	10. Act II, Scene III

Act II, Scene III

(The curtains, which had closed during the scene change, now opened on a darkened stage. Mai stood alone in the dim lighting of the set, clothed head-to-foot in black. Her normally stoic face now wore an expression of bitterness, anger, and a strong amount of sadness. A few sympathetic "aws" were heard from the audience.).

**Mai:**

_Alone, and yet alive. Oh, sepulcher!_

_My soul is still my body's prisoner._

_Remote the peace that death alone can give._

_My doom to wait, my punishment to live!_

_Hearts do not break,_

_They sting and ache_

_For old love's sake,_

_But do not die._

_Though, with each breath,_

_They long for death,_

_As witnesseth_

_The living I. The living I!_

_Oh, living I,_

_Come, tell me why,_

_When hope is gone,_

_Dost thou stay on?_

_Why linger here_

_Where all is drear?_

_Oh, living I,_

_Come, tell me why,_

_When hope is gone,_

_Dost thou stay on?_

_May not a cheated maiden die?_

_May not a cheated maiden die?_

(Mai took a seat on a conveniently placed bench and brooded, not noticing Aang, who was reluctantly making his way onto the stage.).

**Aang:** Ahem. Mai? Uh, Mai? Mai!

**Mai:** What?! Oh, you! (She charged angrily at Aang and grabbed him roughly by the front of his robes once again.). The miscreant who robbed me of Zuko. Well, vengeance pursues. They're heating the cauldron. (She dropped him to the ground and he didn't stand up.).

**Aang:** Mai, behold a suppliant at your feet. Mai, mercy…

**Mai:** Mercy? Did you have mercy for him? See here, you. You killed the jerk who dumped me. So what if he didn't love _me_? He would have loved me in time. I am an…acquired taste. Only the educated palate can appreciate me. And I was educating his palate when he left me. Well, now he's dead, and where shall I find another? Do you know how long it takes to train a man to love me? Am I supposed to go through the same weary roung again; and, at the same time, implore mercy for _you_ who robbed me of my prey…I mean, my _pupil_, just as his education was on the point of completion? Where will I find another?!

**Aang:** (Aang looked back desperately, his desire to flee struggling with his sense of self-preservation. Finally, he gave a weary sigh and looked up.). Um…here?

**Mai:** What?

**Aang:** Mai, for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely consuming my very vitals. Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a lovesick suppliant whose - (Aang double-checked the script he had tucked into his shirt, wondering how anyone could get away with writing stuff like this) - every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch. True it is that, under a poor mask of…disgust, I have endeavored to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me. But the fire will not be smothered – it defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed, that cannot be schooled, that should not be too severely criticized. Mai, I dare not hope for your love, but I will not live without it. (Aang winced as he choked out the next word.). Darling!

**Mai: **(Mai just looked angrier.). You! You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have so foully wronged?!

**Aang: **I do. Accept my love or I perish on the spot.

**Mai:** Oh, that's really funny. Who knows so well as I that no one has ever yet died of a broken heart?

**Aang:** You know not what you say. Listen.

(Aang led Mai back over to the bench and they both sat down as the orchestra started up yet again.).

_On a tree by a river, a little tom-tit_

_Sang, "Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow!"_

_And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit_

_Singing 'Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow'?_

_Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?"_ _I cried,_

"_Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"_

_With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,_

"_Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit-willow."_

_He slapped at his chest as he sat on that bough,_

_Singing, "Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow!"_

_And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,_

_Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit-willow._

_He sobbed, and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,_

_Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,_

_And an echo arose from the suicide's grave,_

"_Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit-willow."_

_Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name_

_Isn't willow, tit-willow, tit-willow,_

_That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,_

"_Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit-willow!"_

_And if you remain callous and obdurate, I_

_Shall perish as he did, and you will know why._

_Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,_

"_Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit-willow!"_

(Mai discretely dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief as the audience applauded Aang's masterful singing skills.).

**Mai: **Did he really die of love?

**Aang: **He really did.

**Mai: **All on account of a cruel little hen?

**Aang:** Yes.

**Mai:** The poor little chap.

**Aang:** It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird intimately.

**Mai:** Did you? He must have been very fond of her.

**Aang: **His devotion was something extraordinary.

**Mai:** Poor little chap. And-and if I refuse you, will you go and do the same?

**Aang:** At once!

**Mai: **No, no, no! You mustn't do that. Oh, I'm a silly little goose.

**Aang: **(He turned away and muttered. How she could deliver all her lines without breaking her stoicism was something he never could understand.). You are.

**Mai: **And, you won't hate me if I'm just a little teeny-weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?

**Aang:** Hate you? Oh, Mai, is there not beauty even in…bloodthirstiness?

**Mai: **My idea exactly! (She stood up from the bench and dragged Aang to center stage as a peppy tune started up.)

_There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,_

_There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,_

_There is eloquence outpouring _

_When the moose-lion is a-roaring_

_And the tiger-dillo is a-lashing of its tail!_

**Aang: **

_Yes I'd like to see a tiger-dillo,_

_From Ba Sing Se or Omashu,_

_And especially when a-lashing of his tail._

**Mai:**

_Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,_

_And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,_

_But to him who's scientific_

_There is nothing that's terrific_

_In the falling of a flight of thunder-bolts._

**Aang:**

_Yes, in spite of all my meekness,_

_If I have a little weakness,_

_It's a passion for a flight of thunder-bolts!_

**Both:**

_If that is so, sing "derry down derry!"_

_It's evident very_

_Our tastes are one!_

_Away we'll go, and merrily marry_

_Nor tardily tarry 'til day is done!_

**Aang:**

_There is beauty in extreme old age,_

_Do you fancy you are elderly enough?_

_Information I'm requesting_

_On a subject interesting,_

_Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?_

**Mai:**

_Throughout this wide dominion_

_It's the general opinion_

_That she'll last a good deal longer if she's tough!_

**Aang:**

_Are you old enough to marry, do you think?_

_Won't you wait until you're eighty in the shade?_

_There's a fascination frantic_

_In a ruin that's romantic,_

_Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?_

**Mai:**

_To the matter that you mention_

_I have given some attention_

_And I think I am sufficiently decayed!_

**Both:**

_If that is so, sing "derry down derry!"_

_It's evident very_

_Our tastes are one!_

_Away we'll go, and merrily marry_

_Nor tardily tarry 'til day is done!_

_If that is so, sing "derry down derry!"_

_It's evident very_

_Our tastes are one!_

_Away we'll go, and merrily marry_

_Nor tardily tarry 'til day is doooone!_

Exeunt

* * *

"It would have made a lot more sense if it was me singing that song with the Avatar," said Azula. "Besides, the only reason they didn't even consider me for the role was the fact that Zuko is playing the object of Mai's character's affections."

"True," Ursa agreed. "If it'd been you up there then you would've had to pretend to be in love with your brother, and…well…I know royal families can sometimes intermarry to obscene points, but this story is _not_ about incest."

"Frankly, I don't know how people can even stomach sleeping with members of their own family," Iroh added with a shake of his head. "Just shows that there are plenty of really sick-minded individuals out there."

"All the same, though, it would have been more appropriate to have me sing in this song," Azula continued. "I mean, just look at the lyrics! It's talking about liking thunder, dangerous animals, and volcanoes. It's perfect for me."

"Are you saying that because you mean it or are you jealous that Mai gets a duet with Aang?"

"Uncle. Shut up."


	11. Act II, Finale

Act II, Finale

(Once more the curtains opened on the, now brightly lit, courtyard scene. Ozai, accompanied by Haru and the chorus, reentered with a trumpet sound from the orchestra. Ozai handed the Earthbender an empty bento box as he dabbed his lips with a napkin.).

**Ozai:** Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite ready. Have all the painful preparations been made?

**Haru:** Everything is ready, Your Majesty.

**Ozai:** Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices.

(At that precise moment, Aang rushed in with Mai by his side, followed closely by Sokka and Toph. The four prostrated themselves before the Fire Lord.).

**Mai:** Mercy! Mercy for Aang! Mercy for Toph! Mercy…even for Sokka.

**Ozai:** I beg your pardon; I don't think I quite caught that last remark.

**Sokka: **Mercy even for Sokka, Your Majesty.

**Mai: **Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married _this_ miserable object. (She held Aang up by the scruff of his robes and he smiled sheepishly at the Fire Lord.).

**Ozai: **Well, you've certainly not been long about it.

**Aang: **We were married before the Registrar.

**Sokka: **I am the Registrar, Your Majesty.

**Ozai: **I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent-

(Zuko and Katara lazily amble onto the stage, their clothes slightly ruffled and their hair somewhat loose.).

**Zuko: **Ah, but the Heir Apparent is not slain.

**Ozai:** By Agni, my son!

**Katara: **And your daughter-in-law elect_ed_.

(Mai suddenly turned a sharp glare on Aang.).

**Mai: **Traitor! You have deceived me!

**Ozai: **Yes, yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I think he will give it better whole than in pieces.

**Aang: **Your Majesty, uh, the thing is…it's true that I stated that I had killed Zuko –

**Ozai: **Yes, with most affecting particulars.

**Sokka: **Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise –

**Aang:** Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (Aang turned back to the Fire Lord.). Your Majesty, it's like this: when Your Majesty says, "Let a thing be done," it's as good as done. Practically, it is done, because Your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says "Kill a gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Well, that gentleman is as good as dead. Practically, he is dead, and if he is dead, why not say so?

**Ozai:** Hmm, yes, I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory.

(Everyone gave a great cheer. Zuko and Katara shared a kiss, prompting Toph to kiss Sokka in a moment of celebration and leading to the grand finale.).

**Toph: **_For he went and married Katara._

**Chorus (All): **_Katara!_

**Toph:**

_Your anger pray bury,_

_For all will be merry,_

_I think you had better succumb._

**Chorus (All): **_Cumb-cumb!_

**Toph: **_And join our expressions of glee!_

**Aang:**_ On this subject I pray you be dumb._

**Chorus (All): **_Dumb-dumb!_

**Aang:**

_Your notions, though many,_

_Are not worth a penny,_

_The word for your guidance is "Mum!"_

**Chorus (All):** _Mum-mum!_

**Aang: **_You've a very good bargain in me!_

**Chorus (All):**

_On this subject we pray you be dumb, dumb-dumb!_

_We think you had better succumb, cumb-cumb!_

_You'll find there are many who'll wed for a penny, who'll wed for a penny!_

_There are lots of good fish in the sea, there are lots of good fish in the sea!_

_There are lots of good fish, the fish in the sea, in the sea, in the sea, in the sea!_

**Zuko: **_The threatened cloud has passed away!_

**Katara: **_And brightly shines the dawning day!_

**Zuko: **_What though the night may come too soon!_

**Katara: **_We've years and years of afternoon._

**All:**

_Then let the throng our joy advance_

_With laughing song and merry dance._

_With laughing song and merry dance!_

_With laughing song!_

_With joyous shout-with joyous shout and ringing cheer!_

_Inaugurate-inaugurate their new career!_

_Then let the throng our joy advance with laughing song and merry dance!_

_With song! And dance!_

* * *

The audience leapt from their seats to applaud the performers as they took their bows. Several particularly rabid fangirls started chucking their underwear at Zuko, leading Katara to blast water from a conveniently placed basin at them. Toph received one of the loudest cheers, and a few people threw roses at her; the blind Earthbender gave her own sign of appreciation to her fans by kissing the knuckles of her fist and punching it in the air. For some reason, Ozai received the loudest applause of anyone when he stepped forward (of course, he didn't bow to the audience, but gave a slight nod to the people he had paid off to cheer for him.).

Ursa pulled Zuko into a hug in the entrance hall of the theater once everyone had gone back to the dressing rooms and changed back into their regular clothes.

"Oh, Zuko, sweetheart, you were fantastic," she squeed.

"Thanks, Mom. That really means a lot."

"And, Katara, I thought you looked so beautiful."

"Thank you, Lady Ursa."

"I particularly liked you in your wedding dress. Perhaps it can be reused for a similar circumstance in the near future." Her golden eyes flicked from the Waterbender to her son, both of whom were now blushing furiously.

"Well, I thought Snoozles over here looked really hot in his costume," Toph said with a smirk.

"Thanks, Toph, that's really…" Sokka trailed off as he realized she was making another of her blind jokes. "Why do you feel the need to do that?"

"Because it's fun to mess with you."

Iroh was about to interject with some highly allegorical and sage comment when he noticed the security personnel were nearby and seemed to have spotted him. With the skill and dexterity that only the Dragon of the West can wield, the former general made a dramatic exit appropriate to his being in a temple of the arts.

"What's his problem?" said Ozai smugly. "It's not like anyone called security, after all."

His arrogant grin didn't have Ursa fooled for a minute.

"Must you ruin everything?" she inquired, shaking her head in disapproval.

"Yes, I must."

"Hey, has anyone seen Aang?" Katara asked suddenly.

Everyone looked around, but Aang was nowhere in sight.

* * *

Back behind the theater, a raven-haired girl was making her own escape in a carriage she had appropriated from a passing salesman. In the back of the vehicle, tied up in ropes that not even the Avatar could escape, after being discretely abducted outside at the point of one of Mai's many concealed daggers, was Aang.

"Mai, you do realize I only agreed to marry you in the play, right?" the young man called out from his imprisoned state.

"True, but when your boyfriend leaves you for a Waterbending floozy in both real life and in a play, you take whatever opportunity presents itself."

Aang just sighed in resignation. Someone would probably figure out where he was by morning. And if not, well, perhaps it is best to cut one's losses.


End file.
